How To Eliminate Rude, Bossy & Passive Aggressive Email Tone

Most of us don’t mean to write rude, bossy and passive aggressive email, but it happens.

Thankfully there are easy ways to eliminate rude, bossy and passive aggressive email tone and instead use our email and text messages to build high-quality and highly productive relationships.

Tone is one of the most important parts of our email or text messages. Why? Because tone influences what our readers understand and how they feel about us. Our tone also influences our readers motivation to do what we are asking. We choose to be respectful, thoughtful and considerate… or not.

We often don’t take a moment to consider if we are writing rude, bossy and passive aggressive email and text message. Unfortunately, by not investing those few seconds, the compounding impact of all of our messages likely is having a negative impact on our personal and professional reputation not to mention increased stress and even lower productivity for everyone.

We choose the type of relationships we have

There are two kinds of relationships we choose have with others. We choose to have trusting, respectful, thoughtful and mutually beneficial relationships, or we choose to build frustrating, rude and stressful relationships.

Respect, appreciation and being treated with kindness are important building blocks of loyal work relationships. You know from your own experience that when you feel respected and appreciated you will usually make sure you do your very best, go the extra mile and even go our of your way to work with that other person. Alternatively, when we feel disrespected, even the most capable and creative of us will often deliver a ‘Meets Expectations’ performance and have a ‘Do what I’m asked – nothing more’ attitude. For this reason (and others), a bossy or aggressive writer doesn’t only cause stress and frustration for others when they write disrespectful, rude and/or passive aggressive messages; they also create stress and frustration for themselves.

So, how can you keep your messages from sounding rude, bossy, self-important, disrespectful and passive aggressive?

1.     Be polite.

People deserve to feel respected even if they are getting a paycheque. I don’t mean waste time with lots of social niceties. In fact, getting to the point is critical and something everyone prefers.

Being polite and respectful is one of the top values people say they appreciate in others. So, this means use words like Hi, Hello, Please and Thank You. It’s natural and polite to walk into someone’s office or call them on the phone and say, “Hi Bruce”. So why not when we email?

For example, if you were to receive the following message – especially if it was unexpected, you could easily interpret it as rude, bossy and disrespectful.

“What is the pricing on the XYZ account and when is the renewal date?”

This next version isn’t perfect, but it does sound less aggressive, more polite and more respectful… just by saying Hi, using their name and saying thanks.

“Hi Jessy,

What is the pricing on the XYZ account and when is the renewal date?

Thanks”

The one variation on this rule is if you and I write to each-other all day long. In this case, as long as you and I have talked – literally talked and agree that saying “Hi” and “thanks, isn’t necessary, then it is OK to drop it (but it may still be nice to add ‘Hi Bruce, hope you had a great weekend” at the end of our first email on a Monday morning).

2.     Manage other peoples expectations… and our own expectations.

There is nothing worse than interrupting what you are doing or rescheduling a meet because your boss sent you what sounds like an urgent request, only to find out when you deliver it that they didn’t need it for a day or two… or three. It often leaves us feeling manipulated and that our bosses don’t respect us and the time we dedicate to scheduling our commitments.

The solution is to be crystal clear and always include:

• What you need (likely you already do this)

• When you need it (helps others prioritize their schedule)

• Why you need it (helps others prioritize and often helps them determine how to format what they send to you)

• What you understand (helps everyone be clear about what each of us understand)

• What you will do (helps us not duplicate work… or worse yet miss something that needs to be done)

Using the example from point #1, the following is an even better way to build trusting, respectful, mutually beneficial relationships within a short message while we also manage other peoples expectations… and our own.

“Hi Jessy,

Please let me know by 10AM tomorrow the pricing on the XYZ account and when the renewal date is so I can include it in the proposal that is due at noon. If you need additional resources please let me know.

Thanks.”

The added benefit of the approach of this short, two-sentence email is that besides being polite, it tells Jessy what you need, when you need it and why it is important you get it by 10AM. It clearly manages Jessy’s expectations and your own. And, while you could eliminate the second sentence and still be OK, I do like it because it gives Jessy some control because it provides an opportunity to let you know if they need additional support. 

3.     Let someone know when they did a good job.

Again, you may be emailing or texting someone you pay, but everyone wants to know the work they are doing is important and they made a difference. So consider adding a line like “Those are exactly the numbers I needed.” Or “That presentation deck looks great”.

Be assured I am not recommending we praise others every time they do something, but every once in a while I urge you to recognize their work. Your 5-second investment from time to time will create positive energy and goodwill that cannot be measured.   

4.     Remember you are writing to someone else.

Most of us write as if we are writing to ourselves – with our own priorities, needs and experience but even if we are working in the same department it is likely that our priorities are different.

Example 1. Your priority may be to get a marketing forecast out by end of week, while mine is to balance my advertising spend for one of our biggest clients.

Example 2. You may have lots of industry experience and knowledge while I may be new or from a different department so don’t understand all that is involved and who to include when you ask for a ‘Agile Project Forecast’.

Example 3. Your ‘quick question’ may not have a ‘quick answer’. You may think the answer is simple, but I need to organize input from three different departments to get you the answer.

So when you are writing to someone else always try to be aware of the other peoples experience, understanding of industry language and priorities. And as I mentioned above, be sure to consider manage expectations as outlined in point 2 including providing others an opportunity to ask questions or give you feedback.

5.     Keep from sounding passive aggressive.

So far we’ve talked a lot about tone, so now lets focus in on passive aggressive messages.

I have a relative who is the queen of passive aggressive. She always seems to have an alternative motive or double meaning. The sad part is even when she isn’t being passive aggressive the rest of the family are wondering “What does she really mean?” or “What does she really want?” That is not the reputation you want to build for yourself.

Sounding passive aggressive is a bit habit forming; some people do it without even realizing it. And, expecting certain people to be passive aggressive is also habit forming. For example, if I expect you to be passive aggressive – or even rude or bossy, unless you are really careful I will always interpret your messages that way. Fortunately, people can unlearn bad habits and can rebuild their reputation.

The best way to avoid sounding passive aggressive is to re-read your messages. Ask yourself, if you were to receive it, would you be taken back? If you have the slightest feeling it is, rewrite.

That said, here are a few of my favourite passive aggressive approaches to avoid.

A: Stop asking the same question over and over. Just because you want a different answer, asking me again and again isn’t going to change reality.

B: “As per my last email”. You can hear the writers’ attitude. Perhaps it is frustration in repeating themselves over and over… or perhaps they are angry about something and someone else… but if you write it, know it will likely negatively impact your relationship with that person and perhaps others who see that email.

C: “No doubt you are aware”. This is about as blatantly passive aggressive as you can get. If someone missed something it’s right to bring their attention to it but, you don’t have to be insulting – even if they did overlook it on purpose. Remember, other people may read your message at some point and not know the whole story.

D: “For future reference” can be interpreted in many ways. Often, it means “don’t bother me again when the solution is obvious if you gave it a second of thought or did your job.” It’s worth noting that what is obvious to you may not be to me. I may be in another department, new, under extremely tight deadlines or perhaps my boss is asking me to send this and I really wish I didn’t have to. So next time – do your own reputation a favour and leave out these three words. “Here is where you will find files on this topic,” is much more friendly than “For future reference, here is where you will find files on this topic,”.

E: “Thanks in advance” is one of my least favourite statements. For the few times I receive it, it is usually followed by a request that is not my responsibility, the bottom of my priority list or junk email.

6.     When you ask for a meeting, be prompt with the start and stop time.

I know this doesn’t have anything to do with tone in writing; unfortunately running over timelines happens all too often, causing major frustration with employees, coworkers and suppliers. It is also passive aggressive behaviour so I thought I would include it.

Nowadays many of us have back to back online meetings using Zoom or Microsoft Teams. We go directly from one meeting to another with no break. Showing respect for others means we start meetings on time. It also means we end meetings on time… or early (imagine that). If we are a meeting organizer or presenter and force 10 coworkers and other department heads to wait for us because we are 5-minutes late, that means we just cost our company 50-minutes of productivity. If this happens routinely we build a reputation as selfish, entitled, disorganized and even unaware of how hard others are working.

Key time management and reputation saving tip is to start meetings on time and be sure to cover the critical elements first. Then, if there is time go ahead and discuss topics that are not part of the agenda and meeting purpose. Too often the reverse is done and the real meeting agenda is squeezed into the last 10-minutes and we find we are late for our next meeting.

Whether you make $30,000 or $300,000 respect the people you work with and yourself.

Conclusion:

Turning the table for a moment, when you receive a rude, bossy and passive aggressive email or text message, there is always a way to reply and not join their club. Unfortunately, when we respond using passive aggressive phrases, that will reflect back on us. Remember, it’s all about your brand and your reputation; if someone is being ridiculous, foolish or unprofessional that is all about them and their reputation. And, when we keep ourselves under control and professional – especially at those times – people will notice… and that is a good thing for us.

For everyone else, it’s always important to remember that tone is always one of the most important parts of our email or text messages. The examples I’ve shared here are some of the most effective ways to eliminate rude, bossy and passive aggressive email tone from our messages and instead use our email and text messages to build trusting, respectful, mutually beneficial relationships.

So, as you move forward writing email and text messages I hope you routinely take a moment to consider how others will interpret your messages. The few seconds you spend getting into the habit of writing great messages will save you countless time and help you build a personal and professional reputation you can be proud of.

Thank you for reading about how to eliminate rude, bossy and passive aggressive email tone from your writing.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Difficult Conversations, Crucial Conversations or Conflict Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

Learn to write smarter and faster; Get more done while protecting your reputation.

“Copy is not written. Copy is assembled.” – Eugene Schwartz (copywriter).

Because most of the writing you and I do is email, I’m going to adjust Eugene Schwartz’s quote to be, “Great email isn’t written, it is assembled.”

None of us read email for the fun of it. Writing is never our goal – getting our work done is. Whenever we write our goal isn’t achieved until our reader understands what we said and/or does what we asked them to do. Unfortunately there are many obstacles in the way, especially when we write email. One obstacle we often forget is that our readers may not be expecting (or wanting) our message. Another obstacle may be our current reputation; if we have a history of being unclear or rude you can imagine our email are not going to get read quickly.

We fail when the email we write don’t get read, understood or acted upon. But, failure isn’t an option when we are at work. We ‘have’ tobe successful. And, because email is how we communicate 90% of the time, we ‘have’ to write. So, I believe the important question we must all ask is, “As writers, how do we assemble our email so that it cuts through all the other email, priorities and ever-increasing distractions our readers are experiencing?”

In this article I want to give you a fresh approach to writing smarter and faster and getting more done while protecting our reputation in three simple steps.

Assemble Step 1. Be Polite

Say Hello.

Before writing what we need our readers to know or do, just say ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’. 

Saying ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’ is one of the best ways to grab someone’s attention. It’s also the best way to take the rude, abrupt and bossy feel out of your message. Readers notice (in a good way) when we say ‘Hi’. Why? Because saying ‘Hi’ is polite. If we don’t say ‘Hi’ it’s like storming into their office unannounced. #Rude

The exception I will offer you is that if you are writing with someone 20 times a day or more you can both agree to not do this because it will likely get annoying. But, still do it for your first email of the day.

Assemble Step 2. Don’t Make Writing Complicated

After saying hello, get-to-the-point in your first sentence. We all are busy and we don’t have the time or the interest to become a great novelist like Margaret Atwood or great copywriter like Eugene Schwartz.

To write great email we have to consider what information our reader already knows in our first sentence. Also, what new information might they need? Our readers will start skimming and we will lose their interest if we write about things they already know. You know this is true because you do it when you are bored by someone’s email. And, we will put them at a disadvantage and potentially delay them giving us the information we need if we don’t include the information they need.

Another tip to keep our writing simple is to keep flowery descriptions, complicated jargon and technical terms to a minimum. If we don’t, we are falling into a trap called ‘the curse of knowledge’ says Harvard psychologist, communication specialist and author Steven Pinker which he defines as“a difficulty in imagining what it is like for someone else not to know something that you know”. 

Assemble Step 3. Write Sentences With Benefits First

To always get our email read, writers have to break a few habits as we learn to assemble our sentences starting with benefit first. 

Look at that last sentence and how I structured it. I have put the ‘why’ first. 

I could have written, “Writers have to break a few habits as we learn to write our sentence starting with benefits first in order to keep our readers interest.” While this second sentence generally works, we risk boring our readers with detail before we tell them ‘why’ that detail is important. And, if our readers get bored – they will move on. Unfortunately, most of us were taught in school to put information first and then follow with benefit and action item.

This is one of my favourite tips and it can be used in all your writing - not just email and instant messaging. So, don’t bore your readers; grab their attention and interest quickly. I do want to warn you, even though it sounds easy to do, it will require some practice and paying attention to your structure. 

Conclusion:

Every time we write email or instant messages, we are adding or subtracting from our reputation and the reputation of our company. In addition, when our messages are misunderstood, not even read and/or when our tone is interpreted as bossy or angry, the result is that mistakes are made, time is wasted and expenses go up.

The importance of well-written / well-assembled communication is high.

So, before hitting ‘Send’ on your next email, take a moment to ask, “Am I addressing my readers needs and how likely is it that my reader will understand and be able to act on my message?” If your answers to these two questions are‘Yes’ and ‘Very Likely’ then you have done a great job of building a trusting relationship and accomplishing your key goals.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

Thank you for stopping by.

Great Time Management Goes Further Than Stephen R. Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; It Includes Great Email Etiquette

I’m a big fan of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey. As a leader of a team I especially relate to #3 ‘Put First Things First,’ and as a corporate trainer and habitual lifelong learner, I strongly relate to #7: ‘Sharpen the Saw’.

As much as I am a fan of Stephen’s work, I also know that Stephens 7 habits are only part of the answer when an individual or team tries to establish great time management habits. What I mean is that great time management has a lot to do with how an individual does their work as much as when they do their work. And for those familiar with Stephen Covey’s #5 habit of ‘Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood’, what i’m talking about goes even further. Let me explain.

More Than When… Focus On How

After I built and began facilitating my Effective Email Etiquette Training Workshop, I spent a year researching and building my Time Management Training Workshop. During the second development period (and reinforced every day since), it became clear to me that great email etiquette is also great time management – and not only for the writer; great email etiquette is also great time management for everyone who receives email.

For example, if I consistently do three simple things when I write an email message, I can almost guarantee my reader will:

1. Want to read my email – and therefore prioritize my work

2. Quickly and clearly understand what i’m saying or asking for

3. Answer all of my questions and/or do what I ask

Think how much time you would save if every one of your email were prioritized by the recipient, read, understood fully and then acted on quickly? And, how much time would you… and your readers save if you didn’t have to follow up two, three or four times to get the answer to the questions you asked in your email?

This Ability Is In Your Control

I often hear people who take time management training say, “I’d like to spend an hour in the morning concentrating on my strategic, important work but the office culture doesn’t support this.” I understand when they say that. For some aspects of time management to be effective, the team or corporate culture has to change. The beauty of writing better email is that you don’t need your corporate culture or your department culture to change - you are in control. The three email tips I share below allow you to immediately improve your writing which allows you to immediately save time, be more productive and experience less stress. Yes, using good email etiquette is in your control.

Three Email Etiquette Best Practices I Recommend

To have a great personal impact, I recommend improving your time management by practicing the following three email etiquette best practices:

1. Bottom line your messages. Say hello and then get to the point. If you want to be pleasant and say what a nice day it is… do it at the end of your email.

2. Use indented bullet points to bring attention to critical data. If you have two questions, say, Hi Bruce, I have two questions:

   • Question 1

   • Question 2

3. Write helpful Subject Lines. One or two-word subject lines like ‘Meeting’ or ‘Meeting Update’ are not great. Use 5 to 7 words. Instead, ‘July 2020 Sales Meeting Agenda Update’ lets the reader know exactly what the message is about and makes the email easily searchable 1 week or 1 year later.

None of these three Email Etiquette best practices will take you extra time to write email, but they will save you amazing amounts of time by helping you get what you need when you need it with little-to-no follow-up.

Give these three email etiquette techniques a try. They are just a few of the over dozen email writing techniques you and your team can learn that will make you more efficient, more productive and less stressed.

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Corporate trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) specialize in customized Time Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership Skills, Communication and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success. 

Email Etiquette Rules For Leaders And Their Team

Most Canadian and USA employees write and read hundreds of business email every day. It’s estimated that business professionals spend about a quarter of our time at work using email. 

One of the most important strategic goals leaders have is how to manage expectations and help their team be in sync. An often-overlooked area is introducing a consistent set of email etiquette rules for business professionals.

I’ve pulled out 8 the most important points I consider essentials within a business email etiquette style guide. As a leader you or your team may initially think my 8 email writing recommendations will take more time. To be honest, they may (not always), take a few more seconds, but ask you to consider two things:

1. The advantage you and your team will experience when your professional brand increases and you gain the reputation as being clear communicators who are also polite and not bossy or aggressive.

2. The hours of time you and your team will save by getting what you ask for the first time you asked for it and therefore, writing fewer follow-up email. When you multiply this time, cost and frustration saving across your whole team, I assure you, leading your team down the path of good email etiquette is a wise choice.

Most companies do have a global style guide that outlines the look and feel of all communication from presentation design, to advertising placement, email etiquette and business writing standards. These 8 email etiquette rules for leaders and their team will help you and your team save time, elevate your teams email communication and strengthen your professional reputation / brand.

1. As the leader, set (or reinforce), a simple style guide for the team to help reinforce that they are part of a team with a unified brand promise. The style guide should identify things like:

   • Same font, as well as size and colour

   • Same signature block structure and graphic

   • Same size and colour for bullets

   • Similar approach to how to write Subject Lines

2. If confidential email distribution need to happen to large audiences – especially to external audiences, a standard To: Cc: or even Bcc: should not be used. Instead, use an email distribution system like Constant Contact (non-sponsored reference), to guarantee audience privacy for these bulk email.

3. Double check you get everyone’s name right. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received email addressed to Mr. Mayhem.

4. Everyone should write their email thinking, ‘What do my readers need or need to know?’ Managing expectations is done far less than you may think. For the most part, we write email as if we are writing to people with our needs, timelines and experience. But most often our readers have very different needs, timelines and experience. This creates a gap that causes challenges. Also, watch out for general words like, ‘it’ ‘that’ ‘they’. Words like these force your reader to make assumptions about who or what you mean, instead, be clear about what you mean.

5. Be careful with Reply All. Use it sparingly.

6. Everyone should write following this 9-step-by-step (and simple), process:

   1. Write a clear, relevant Subject Line 

   2. Use a professional greeting 

   3. Address your need or ask first

   4. Then add background information after you’ve stated your need or ask

   5. Re-read for clarity. Will it be clear to your reader and does it include information they need?

   6. Check for spelling and sentence structure

   7. Sign-off, respectfully

   8. Make sure your signature block is used

   9. Only when you are done writing and editing, insert email addresses or your distribution list

7. If you think someone will "react" badly to your email content, I recommend you call them. This is the right thing to do for many reasons I’d be happy to discuss.

8. Avoid humour except in very special cases and with people you know well. Humour doesn’t translate well in a one-dimensional email environment [note, in order to be clear I edited this last sentence, replacing the word ‘it’ with the word ‘humour’ as suggested in step #4].

As a professional, you are expected to follow proper email etiquette and your personal and professional brand are always a reflection of your writing. Effective written communication is essential in any position and often a major factor towards achieving professional success.

If you would like information about email etiquette training, please click here.

Bonus Reference: Poor email etiquette costs time, money and frustration if:

• Email you’ve spent writing don’t get read because they are too long and/or confusing.

• People only answer one question when you’ve asked 3 or 4. It then costs even more in time and frustration as you have to follow up.

• Important dates are missed because of email that are high priority to you are interpreted as low priority to your reader.

• People misunderstand your email and do things you didn’t ask for, and then this costs more in time and frustration as you have to follow up and they have to re-do the work.

 I hope you’ve enjoyed my list of 8 email etiquette rules for leaders and their team.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Corporate trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) delivers customized Email Etiquette training in Toronto and across Canada. We specialize in Leadership, Communication and other soft skills training solutions.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.