Disagree With Respect At Work: Part II

When you and I approach a problem and disagree with respect, it’s an opportunity for us to work as a productive team, to be creative, and build stronger relations as we build trust, loyalty, and pride in our outcomes.

In my previous article called Disagree With Respect At Work: Part I, I discuss three critical building blocks of a culture (at work or at home), where we can safely and respectfully explore different points of view. ‘Rules of Engagement’ is one of the three building blocks I discuss in Part I. With those Rules of Engagement we are able to be part of a culture – a workspace or family – where everyone can trust they will be safe and supported and therefore able to be their whole, honest, true self with all of their passion, creativity and flaws. 

As I wrote in Part I, especially when stakes are high, there is more to having successful, respectful difficult conversations than only those three critical building blocks. So, here is Part II where I share three more that we can all use to help us have successful difficult conversations and be able to disagree with respect at work, with family and even with strangers. These three additional approaches are:

1. Be Intentional About Time and Place

2. Have Conversations In-person, By Phone or By Video

3. Share Stories Instead of Assigning Blame

Lets dive right in.

Be Intentional About Time and Place

Even when we are in a trusting culture there will always be a level of anxiousness when we disagree. Simply by its nature, disagreement makes most of us feel vulnerable. But it’s important we do our best to create a time and place where everyone feels safe, respected and not rushed. Let me share three less than ideal examples:

• It’s not a good time or place to disagree with your boss while they are giving a project update to their boss. Doing this will immediately damage your reputation and destroy trust. This would also signal you are not a team player – and likely a half-dozen other unfavourable characteristics. This may also damage your bosses reputation as a leader.

• It’s not a good time to raise a disagreement with your co-worker when they are working hard to meet a different important end-of-day deadline and they also have to pick up their 6-year-old from daycare before it closes. In this example you are adding a stressful moment when they have to push back on your request and begin negotiating a better time.

• It’s not a good time or place to disagree with your partner in front of your child and their new boyfriend about how late they can stay out.

I bet that even as you read these examples, you felt – actually felt – these were not good times or places. These situations risk unwelcome feelings like surprise, humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, and more. I think we can all imagine many different other times or places for each of these examples where we could have disagreed with respect.

Have Conversations In-person, By Phone Or By Video

It’s near impossible for you and I to feel empathy and caring from an email or text message. In fact, we are more likely to feel the opposite. So, while sending an email or text message may feel ‘safe’ for you, please avoid disagreeing in writing. To disagree with respect I strongly encourage you to try to have these conversations in person… and if not in-person, try to hear each other’s voice. A happy middle-ground is a video conversation where everyone is on-camera (no blank screens). 

This isn’t conjecture. Studies back-up this best-practice. Professor Julia Schroeder at UC Berkley and her colleagues say, “Listening to someone’s voice is humanizing as they make a contradictory or controversial argument. It makes it easier to engage with what that person has to say.” When a person feels empathy or genuine curiosity, it goes a long way to feeling respected.

So, when you disagree, know that a 5-minute face to face conversation can have far greater impact than the email you spend 20, 30 or perhaps even 60-minutes writing. If it is important to have a physical record, go ahead and write a brief email after you have had the in-person, phone or video call.

Share Stories Instead Of Assigning Blame

Facts are important. Stories make a situation real.

We know sharing disagreement in person, by phone or by video call engages our empathy. Sharing stories takes our ability to disagree with respect to a whole other level. Stories also builds connection between people and events which supports greater trust and understanding. Stories also make the situation far more memorable.

To disagree with respect at work, your stories should get to the point quickly. Don’t let your stories drag on. In my Difficult Conversation Training Workshops I encourage participants to consider starting their story by answering ‘Why’ the conversation is important at the beginning before they share ‘What happened’.  Talking about ‘Why’ first does two things. First, it helps the other person (or people) feel safe and want to listen; to not put their defences up. Second, stories help them care and be curious. For example, consider the difference in being on the receiving end of the following two options with the second starting with ‘Why a conversation is important’ and the first and second examples being more inclined to immediately put Tom on the defensive:

1. Bad Example: “Tom, you talk over me in meetings and when you do, this makes me feel undervalued. I want you to stop.”

2. Bad, But Better Example: “Tom, you talk over me in meetings and when you do, this makes me feel undervalued. I want to discuss this with you because I want us to have creative conversations and a respectful work relationship.”

3. Ideal Example: “Tom, I have something important I’d like to share with you because I want us to have creative conversations and a respectful work relationship. When you talk over me in meetings it makes me feel undervalued. I’d like to work with you to find ways we could work together better.”

In the first example, the main goal isn’t to have Tom stop talking over them; it actually feels like the main goal is to assign blame. The second example is better, but still has the chance to immediately trigger Tom into being defensive. The third example has the greatest chance help Tom to stay engaged and curious and trust us (note I said help). If we can help Tom keep his defences down, he’ll be more likely to want to participate in this conversation. Only then can we have a productive, non-threatening conversation.

One last thing about trust. Whether someone trusts us depends on largely on our history with them and others. Are we known to be a good listener who is respectful, patient and curious… or do we have a reputation as a blunt… ‘If you don’t like it, too bad’ type of person?

What If You Are Surprised And Not Expecting It? (BONUS POINT)

The examples I’ve given are all about you and I starting the difficult conversation. But what if you are surprised? Can you still disagree with respect? You may be asking:

• “How do I act when someone comes to me – unexpectedly – to talk about a challenge or disagreement they have?”

• “What do I do when I’m working to a deadline and can’t be interrupted”

• “How can I turn things around when I receive an email that is clearly involves a difference of opinion, disagreement and I feel is both rude and abrupt?

Great questions! I believe everyone deserves the same kindness and respect no matter who you are or what you do. My quick answers to these three questions are:

• If you are feeling surprised and a bit off-balance by a difficult conversation or disagreement then it’s fair to ask for some time to prepare or at least a few moments to gather your thoughts. Even court trials have 15-minute recesses from time to time.

• Unless timing is urgent, if someone approaches you and wants to discuss something, it’s fair to ask to have the conversation at a different time. But, any delay should be short… and reasonable.

• If you feel an email you received is touching on disagreement, I believe it is 100% your best move to try to set up an in-person, video or phone conversation.

Conclusion

You may be thinking that this is all interesting and helpful learning… but what if the other person hasn’t read this article?  Sure, that is a hitch. But I believe this is also an opportunity for you to be a leader and a mentor.

Merriam-Webster defines a mentor as, “1: a trusted counselor or guide. 2: tutor, coach.” With that definition in mind, I bet each of us could think of a dozen people we engage with every day who we subtly or specifically mentor already. Every time we help someone find a solution or share our knowledge / experience we are potentially helping someone grow / learn.

One Last Suggestion

If someone gets upset during a difficult conversation, it’s best you give them some time. They may only need a few minutes, but they may need it to process new information and come to terms with their feelings. If they don’t have time to deal with their feelings, they may not be able to be open to what you are sharing. When they’ve processed their feelings, they will likely have questions and may even need to share their experience.

Disagree with the idea, not the person. Never make a disagreement personal or dismiss the other persons feelings, ideas or beliefs.

Thank you for spending time with me today and reading ‘How To Disagree With Respect At Work: Part II’. I hope you also enjoyed Part I.

Bruce

Learn More About Bruce Mayhew

Toronto corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting is in the people business… it just so happens that training and/or executive coaching is involved. Let us help you improve your productivity and employee engagement.

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What is Respect At Work?

Respect and Trust go hand-in-hand. They are two of the most important components of a thriving, productive and diverse work environment… and must be shared among your team, suppliers and customers. Without respect and trust being intentional parts of your team development, employees will almost always feel disconnected, be low-producers and have limited employee loyalty. In addition, suppliers will be weary of working with your company and clients just won’t buy and/or refer business.

I’ve written about trust and team development before, so let’s focus on ‘what is respect in the workplace and how we can improve it?’

Let’s begin by noticing that respect is a feeling, but showing respect to someone is an action. Showing respect at work lets people know at an emotional level that they are valued. Nobody wants to feel they don’t matter or that the work they do isn’t important / respected.

We don’t have to agree with someone to treat them with respect and appreciate their knowledge and/or experience. Even if we don’t like someone, we should always be dignified because any negative behaviour on our part will diminished our point of view if others feel our opinion is based on us not liking the other person versus our experience.

How We Can Show Others Respect In The Workplace:

• Acknowledge them or as they say in the movie ‘Avatar’, “I see you.”

• Encourage people to bring their whole selves to work, embrace diversity

• Be transparent with your goals, values and resources

• Be aware of any conscious or unconscious biases you may be experience – and help others do the same 

• Listen to others with an open mind – turn off autopilot

• Be curious, ask questions (evaluation is healthy), but still remain open-minded and polite

• Recognize generational differences and how people from different generations add to the conversation

• Recognize cultural differences and how people from different places and backgrounds add to the conversation

• Delegate work and opportunities across the whole team, based on criteria like skill and interest

• Offer support, even when you have nothing to gain

• Inspire and reinforce others using intrinsic and extrinsic, verbal and non-verbal motivators

• Recognize different people are rewarded by different things (Competency, Autonomy, Purpose, Impact)

• Tap into your empathy and be aware of what others are feeling and needing… but not sharing verbally

Having disagreements is almost always a sign of a healthy relationship. It shows people feel comfortable to share their thoughts and unique experiences. And for this to be healthy everyone has to realize that disagreement doesn’t have to be steeped in conflict or disrespect. What is important is everyones ability to show respect and be able to listen to each others input in line with the agreed upon goals and shared values versus personal beliefs.

The thing is, when we show others respect and when we openly listen to them, most people – even people who are confrontational will most likely pull back and begin showing you and others respect (noting I said most people and most likely). When this does happen, it’s possible that over time a respectful relationship can be built or rebuilt.

Real Example: I coached a leader who took over a department and was having a challenging time with a leader from another department. Historically, my clients’ predecessor and the other leader didn’t work well together. My client started slowly; taking time to listen to the other leader, be transparent with their goals and share relevant information. It took some time and there were a few bumps along the way, but mutual respect and trust was built, which made everyone’s work easier, helped both teams be more productive and overall work for everyone was less stressful and more enjoyable.

For the record, the leader from the other department likely initially felt two types of disrespect:

• Owed Respect: Respect (or disrespect) of the work and/or contribution of their group or team

• Earned Respect: Respect (or disrespect) of their own work and/or contribution (including leadership)   

Part of having a respectful space is to know that from time to time there may be disagreement. To overcome disagreements in a respectful way it’s important for everyone to know the plan is to always share when you are not feeling respected and valued. Knowing in advance that from time-to-time there may be situations that require a difficult conversation, can be healthy because it demonstrates a learning-based corporate culture dedicated to growth versus negative confrontations where people feel attacked and blindsided and often lead to broken relationships.

Conclusion:

People often say, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I say no. Instead, treat other people the way they want to be treated. Part of showing respect at work means rewarding people the way they want to be rewarded.  As I mentioned earlier, there are four main ways people feel reward (Competency, Autonomy, Purpose, Impact). Using myself as an example, the only way to know how which of these four is my preferred motivator is to talk with me – get to know me. If Autonomy is my key motivator and I have a leader who rewards me with Purpose or Impact there will be a gap – and that gap is likely to grow over time as I don’t feel understood and respected.

Companies that have a respectful workplace almost always are more successful, more creative and more resilient / responsive to their market in large part because employees are satisfied with their work and are proud of the company.

Life is messy. Let’s stay open and embrace it all.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer and Executive Coach.

As a Corporate Trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) specialize in customized Time Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.