Disagree With Respect At Work: Part II

When you and I approach a problem and disagree with respect, it’s an opportunity for us to work as a productive team, to be creative, and build stronger relations as we build trust, loyalty, and pride in our outcomes.

In my previous article called Disagree With Respect At Work: Part I, I discuss three critical building blocks of a culture (at work or at home), where we can safely and respectfully explore different points of view. ‘Rules of Engagement’ is one of the three building blocks I discuss in Part I. With those Rules of Engagement we are able to be part of a culture – a workspace or family – where everyone can trust they will be safe and supported and therefore able to be their whole, honest, true self with all of their passion, creativity and flaws. 

As I wrote in Part I, especially when stakes are high, there is more to having successful, respectful difficult conversations than only those three critical building blocks. So, here is Part II where I share three more that we can all use to help us have successful difficult conversations and be able to disagree with respect at work, with family and even with strangers. These three additional approaches are:

1. Be Intentional About Time and Place

2. Have Conversations In-person, By Phone or By Video

3. Share Stories Instead of Assigning Blame

Lets dive right in.

Be Intentional About Time and Place

Even when we are in a trusting culture there will always be a level of anxiousness when we disagree. Simply by its nature, disagreement makes most of us feel vulnerable. But it’s important we do our best to create a time and place where everyone feels safe, respected and not rushed. Let me share three less than ideal examples:

• It’s not a good time or place to disagree with your boss while they are giving a project update to their boss. Doing this will immediately damage your reputation and destroy trust. This would also signal you are not a team player – and likely a half-dozen other unfavourable characteristics. This may also damage your bosses reputation as a leader.

• It’s not a good time to raise a disagreement with your co-worker when they are working hard to meet a different important end-of-day deadline and they also have to pick up their 6-year-old from daycare before it closes. In this example you are adding a stressful moment when they have to push back on your request and begin negotiating a better time.

• It’s not a good time or place to disagree with your partner in front of your child and their new boyfriend about how late they can stay out.

I bet that even as you read these examples, you felt – actually felt – these were not good times or places. These situations risk unwelcome feelings like surprise, humiliation, frustration, embarrassment, and more. I think we can all imagine many different other times or places for each of these examples where we could have disagreed with respect.

Have Conversations In-person, By Phone Or By Video

It’s near impossible for you and I to feel empathy and caring from an email or text message. In fact, we are more likely to feel the opposite. So, while sending an email or text message may feel ‘safe’ for you, please avoid disagreeing in writing. To disagree with respect I strongly encourage you to try to have these conversations in person… and if not in-person, try to hear each other’s voice. A happy middle-ground is a video conversation where everyone is on-camera (no blank screens). 

This isn’t conjecture. Studies back-up this best-practice. Professor Julia Schroeder at UC Berkley and her colleagues say, “Listening to someone’s voice is humanizing as they make a contradictory or controversial argument. It makes it easier to engage with what that person has to say.” When a person feels empathy or genuine curiosity, it goes a long way to feeling respected.

So, when you disagree, know that a 5-minute face to face conversation can have far greater impact than the email you spend 20, 30 or perhaps even 60-minutes writing. If it is important to have a physical record, go ahead and write a brief email after you have had the in-person, phone or video call.

Share Stories Instead Of Assigning Blame

Facts are important. Stories make a situation real.

We know sharing disagreement in person, by phone or by video call engages our empathy. Sharing stories takes our ability to disagree with respect to a whole other level. Stories also builds connection between people and events which supports greater trust and understanding. Stories also make the situation far more memorable.

To disagree with respect at work, your stories should get to the point quickly. Don’t let your stories drag on. In my Difficult Conversation Training Workshops I encourage participants to consider starting their story by answering ‘Why’ the conversation is important at the beginning before they share ‘What happened’.  Talking about ‘Why’ first does two things. First, it helps the other person (or people) feel safe and want to listen; to not put their defences up. Second, stories help them care and be curious. For example, consider the difference in being on the receiving end of the following two options with the second starting with ‘Why a conversation is important’ and the first and second examples being more inclined to immediately put Tom on the defensive:

1. Bad Example: “Tom, you talk over me in meetings and when you do, this makes me feel undervalued. I want you to stop.”

2. Bad, But Better Example: “Tom, you talk over me in meetings and when you do, this makes me feel undervalued. I want to discuss this with you because I want us to have creative conversations and a respectful work relationship.”

3. Ideal Example: “Tom, I have something important I’d like to share with you because I want us to have creative conversations and a respectful work relationship. When you talk over me in meetings it makes me feel undervalued. I’d like to work with you to find ways we could work together better.”

In the first example, the main goal isn’t to have Tom stop talking over them; it actually feels like the main goal is to assign blame. The second example is better, but still has the chance to immediately trigger Tom into being defensive. The third example has the greatest chance help Tom to stay engaged and curious and trust us (note I said help). If we can help Tom keep his defences down, he’ll be more likely to want to participate in this conversation. Only then can we have a productive, non-threatening conversation.

One last thing about trust. Whether someone trusts us depends on largely on our history with them and others. Are we known to be a good listener who is respectful, patient and curious… or do we have a reputation as a blunt… ‘If you don’t like it, too bad’ type of person?

What If You Are Surprised And Not Expecting It? (BONUS POINT)

The examples I’ve given are all about you and I starting the difficult conversation. But what if you are surprised? Can you still disagree with respect? You may be asking:

• “How do I act when someone comes to me – unexpectedly – to talk about a challenge or disagreement they have?”

• “What do I do when I’m working to a deadline and can’t be interrupted”

• “How can I turn things around when I receive an email that is clearly involves a difference of opinion, disagreement and I feel is both rude and abrupt?

Great questions! I believe everyone deserves the same kindness and respect no matter who you are or what you do. My quick answers to these three questions are:

• If you are feeling surprised and a bit off-balance by a difficult conversation or disagreement then it’s fair to ask for some time to prepare or at least a few moments to gather your thoughts. Even court trials have 15-minute recesses from time to time.

• Unless timing is urgent, if someone approaches you and wants to discuss something, it’s fair to ask to have the conversation at a different time. But, any delay should be short… and reasonable.

• If you feel an email you received is touching on disagreement, I believe it is 100% your best move to try to set up an in-person, video or phone conversation.

Conclusion

You may be thinking that this is all interesting and helpful learning… but what if the other person hasn’t read this article?  Sure, that is a hitch. But I believe this is also an opportunity for you to be a leader and a mentor.

Merriam-Webster defines a mentor as, “1: a trusted counselor or guide. 2: tutor, coach.” With that definition in mind, I bet each of us could think of a dozen people we engage with every day who we subtly or specifically mentor already. Every time we help someone find a solution or share our knowledge / experience we are potentially helping someone grow / learn.

One Last Suggestion

If someone gets upset during a difficult conversation, it’s best you give them some time. They may only need a few minutes, but they may need it to process new information and come to terms with their feelings. If they don’t have time to deal with their feelings, they may not be able to be open to what you are sharing. When they’ve processed their feelings, they will likely have questions and may even need to share their experience.

Disagree with the idea, not the person. Never make a disagreement personal or dismiss the other persons feelings, ideas or beliefs.

Thank you for spending time with me today and reading ‘How To Disagree With Respect At Work: Part II’. I hope you also enjoyed Part I.

Bruce

Learn More About Bruce Mayhew

Toronto corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting is in the people business… it just so happens that training and/or executive coaching is involved. Let us help you improve your productivity and employee engagement.

To learn more about how leadership training can to improve your skills call us at 416.617.0462.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting's most popular programs are Email Etiquette Training, Difficult Conversations, Generational Differences, Leadership Skills Training and Time Management Training

Related Workshops That Drive Business Success

• What Is Servant Leadership?

• Email Etiquette Training

• The Role of Empathy during Difficult Conversations at Work

• Difficult Conversations: Never Easy - Always Worthwhile

Toronto based corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting proudly offers leadership training and professional development.

Disagree With Respect At Work: Part I

To disagree with respect at work is a sign we are part of a healthy business culture.

There's a big difference between disagreeing with respect versus having a heated, uncomfortable encounter. Disagreeing with respect means we can even deal with challenging situations without harming or threatening each other. Feeling safe, both physically and emotionally, means we can still be productive and move forward with confidence – together.

Wonderful things happen when we two or more people know they can disagree with respect. When we’re able to disagree with respect at work, it means our workspace also values creativity, growth, new ideas and is an evolving workspace.

We all deserve to share space where respectful disagreement is natural.

When we feel physically and emotionally safe we are able to apply our unbridled individuality to every challenge, opportunity, and goal for our shared benefit. It means we can explore possibilities while still respecting each other’s uniqueness. Alternatively, a disagreement that becomes disrespectful causes hurt feelings, lower productivity, lower creativity and morale, and burns through trust like a wildfire.

1. Approach Opportunities With Curiosity

When we approach a problem or disagreement in a positive way it becomes an opportunity to be creative, work as a team and build stronger relations as we also build trust, loyalty, and pride in our work.

One way to infuse positivity into our difficult conversations and workplace culture is to embrace Appreciative Inquiry. For example, when solving a problem using Appreciative Inquiry, we all look at what went well and what we want more of. While we don’t ignore serious flaws, overall we do however take the point of view of a glass half full. Instead of spending meetings dwelling on what went wrong and assigning blame, we spend the bulk of our time focused on how we can get more of what works, what we are good at and what our clients want. This also has the benefit of creating an uplifting, learning space focused on teamwork.

The old saying two heads is better than one is still relevant today; not because it is folklore but because it is true. Each of us is unique and there are things you know that I don’t. Two heads allow us to rely on and learn from each other, especially in a culture that embraces Appreciative Inquiry and respects curiosity.

2. Rules Of Engagement

For us to disagree with respect, we must intentionally and relentlessly commit to building a healthy foundation of trust where we care for our shared physical and emotional safety. Physical safety is self-explanatory. But when it comes to emotional safety, I think it’s important to quickly discuss how emotional safety can include many things like knowing that our individuality will be celebrated and never mocked or dismissed. Emotional safety also includes our creative ideas, our education, our experiences, our values, and anything else about us.

The following are rules of engagement that often support a healthy personal and professional culture:

1. Find and clearly state – in writing – a goal everyone agrees on. Only then should we discuss different options on how to reach that goal.

2. Values must be clearly defined, discussed, and agree upon… with everyone.

3. When you win it doesn’t mean I lose. The idea is to get on the same page on how we move forward.

4. We treat each other with respect. This means each of us realize others may have different boundaries and needs than we do.

5. We must all be open and encouraged to actively participate in difficult conversations.

6. We must learn about and strive to overcome biases like sexism, ageism and/or any other ‘ism’ both as individuals and as teams.

7. Everyone must listen to each other with the intention to hear what they feel, need and are fearful of.

8. We don’t speak over each other.

9. While we might speak passionately, we don’t holler or use upsetting language.

10. If I want to be open to the possibility of changing your mind, I also must be open to the possibility that you might change my mind.

11. If I change my mind it doesn’t need to mean I was wrong, it may just means I understand things differently now.

3. Changing Our Mind Is Often One of The Biggest Barriers

As we learn to disagree with respect, many of us discover that in our past whenever we entered difficult conversations we had a goal to change what other people understand, feel or believe, “If we could only make them see things our way we would have harmony.” That is an important realization, so I invite you to take time with that thought.

As we learn to disagree with respect, it’s important to recognize that if we expect others to change what they understand, feel or believe, we should also be open to changing what we understand, feel or believe. The truth is that respectful disagreement and important solutions almost always mean one or both of us has an opportunity to learn something… if we are paying attention.

For most people changing our mind is personal – scary. Many of us subconsciously worry that if we change our mind that it must mean we were wrong and our identity or reputation is compromised. You may know someone who has built their reputation as being the expert, the person who knows the most and/or who has the most experience. They can feel uncomfortable and uneasy with change and disagreement because they have worked hard to build their reputation as an expert and change threatens that reputation. In these cases, building their trust is an important step. Warning: it usually will take some time to build their trust and it may not always work.

If someone is assertive and/or lashes out, we need to pause and ask ourselves “Why are they acting this way?” and “Do they recognize they are lashing out?” They may not see their behaviour as inappropriate; many don’t. A first step for us would be to use our calm approach to help them see other ways to behave – that they don’t need to be assertive with us. This means that initially, we are not even dealing with the issue. Instead, our first goal is earning their trust.

One last thing on this point. Saying something like, “You are wrong” or “I have a better idea” will almost never go over well when trying to disagree with respect. Instead, a more inclusive approach may be, “I have a new idea and I’m hoping I can get your input and expertise. If you don’t mind, I’d like to walk you through from start to finish before I get your thoughts.  Are you able to explore this new approach with me and is now a good time?”

Conclusion

Whatever we experience at work will also influence our behaviour, our relationships, and our enjoyment at home. This makes it even more important we recognize our responsibility to be part of a healthy business culture that embraces disagreeing with respect.

I believe that two things will happen when each of us learns to be respectful, open to listening and focused on shared goals:

• First, our cool, curious behaviour will calm the ‘feelings’ and ‘tensions’ in the room and encourage others to listen.

• Second, others will notice our steadiness and they will respect us for making the whole situation better… not making matters worse. We will be setting an example for others that disagreeing with respect is possible… and it feels good.

One Last Suggestion

If someone is disagreeing with you, don’t take it personal… because often, it isn’t personal. Often if someone is disagreeing with you it is simply because your goals are different and/or you have access to different information. Instead of taking it personally, listen to their ideas with curiosity. Look at the situation from the other persons perspective. What are their goals, needs and fears? Look for where there is alignment with your goals, needs and fears.

Remember, every coin has two sides. Same coin, but still, each side is different.

Thank you for spending time with me today and reading ‘How To Disagree With Respect At Work: Part I’. I hope you will enjoy Part II. I will post the link here when I launch it.

Bruce

Learn More About Bruce Mayhew

Toronto corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting is in the people business… it just so happens that training and/or executive coaching is involved. Let us help you improve your productivity and employee engagement.

To learn more about how leadership training can to improve your skills call us at 416.617.0462.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting's most popular programs are Email Etiquette Training, Difficult Conversations, Generational Differences, Leadership Skills Training and Time Management Training

Related Workshops That Drive Business Success

• Leadership Skills Training

• Email Etiquette Training

• The Role of Time Management

• Difficult Conversations: Never Easy - Always Worthwhile

Toronto based corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting proudly offers leadership training and professional development.

What Is Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement or BATNA

When you are negotiating ANYTHING and your best option looks like it won’t happen, a BATNA will be your best alternative, or as it is formally defined, the acronym BATNA stands for, ‘your best alternative to a negotiated agreement’.

By preparing one and preferably more BATNAs (options), in advance of a negotiation, you empower yourself. Whether you are asking for a pay increase, buying a competitor company, or deciding with your partner where to go on vacation, when you prepare your BATNAs you give yourself choices you can feel good about because you’ve researched the pros and cons in advance. You can make good, informed decisions quickly, without regret because you’ve thought through alternatives.

As Kenny Rogers sang in the song ‘The Gambler’ “You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.” Little did Kenny know that when he first started singing “every hand’s a winner and every hand’s a loser”, that in 1981 Roger Fisher and William Ury would coin the term BATNA in their bestselling book, ‘Getting to Yes: Negotiating Without Giving In’. Fisher and Ury would define and idea that embodied preparing yourself to make good, informed decisions quickly. And I wonder if Kenny Rogers somehow inspired Roger Fisher and William Ury.

But thinking through your alternatives is only half of the process to determine your best choice. Imagine how empowering it would be to explore, as best you can, what the alternatives of the other person or business. For example, imagine you want to purchase a house and you’ve seen two that interest you. They both have similar pros, cons and pricing, but house A has just come on the market, and house B has been on the market for 45 days. The other difference is that house A is a 15-minute drive closer to your work than house B. While house A might be your preference, house B might be a good BATNA for you. And while a con is that house B means a longer drive to work, the owners of house B might be more motivated to negotiate price. How high house B sits on your priority list might include how price sensitive you are and how much of a demotivator it is to be 15-minutes further away from work.

Pros of BATNA

At a glance, the BATNA pros include:

• Provides an alternative if the primary negotiations fail.

• Empowers you or other negotiators to make the best decisions.

• You will know you don’t need to compromise as much when you know you have a good alternative.

• Your BATNA can keep you from getting caught up in the moment and accepting an offer that has fewer advantages.

• Reduces the impact of bias and emotion.

• Makes agreement more likely, as a well researched and fair BATNA is more likely to be acceptable by all.

• Reduces stress around negotiations, crucial conversations and potential difficult conversations.

How To Determine Your BATNA

Since BATNA is the identification of alternative solutions in advance of a negotiation, it’s important to know how to determine your BATNA or BATNAs.

While a BATNA may not always be easy to identify, the following are several steps you can take:

1. List as many alternatives you can think of if your negotiations for your ideal option don’t work out.

2. Evaluate the pros and cons of your alternatives based on your values, goals and resources. Other criteria can be anything that is important to you / the project or your organization and can also include (but not limited to):

   • Affordability

   • Long and short-term market impact

   • Long and short-term job impact

   • Long and short-term earnings / profit

   • Which is most affordable and feasible?

   • Which will have the most impact in the shortest amount of time?

3. Prioritize your options as best you can based on their strengths and weaknesses. Be very clear about what your lowest-valued / bottom-line BATNA is. Remember, sometimes it is best to walk away.

And as I mentioned earlier, when you’re done identifying, evaluating and prioritizing your BATNA, be sure to explore the alternatives, pros and cons of your counterpart's BATNAs.

Conclusion:

To reach the best possible outcome, it’s important to do as much preparation as possible before entering into negotiations. While BATNA dramatically improves your chances of a satisfactory outcome, it is not a guarantee. Even your BATNAs might become unattainable, but it is far less likely if you are prepared in advance.

If I was able to ask my dad what a BATNA is, I imagine he would simply say, “Know what your alternatives are and when the cost [any cost] is too high. And then, as best you can, know the same for the other person.” Dad always kept things simple.

Thank you for reading ‘What Is Best Alternative To A Negotiated Agreement’. If you have any thoughts or questions, please let me know.

Bruce

Learn More About Bruce Mayhew

Toronto corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting is in the people business… it just so happens that training and/or executive coaching is involved. Let us help you improve your productivity and employee engagement.

To learn more about how leadership training can to improve your skills call us at 416.617.0462.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting's most popular programs are Email Etiquette Training, Difficult Conversations, Generational Differences, Leadership Skills Training and Time Management Training

Related Workshops That Drive Business Success

• What Is Servant Leadership?

• Email Etiquette Training

• The Role of Empathy during Difficult Conversations at Work

• Difficult Conversations: Never Easy - Always Worthwhile

Toronto based corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting proudly offers leadership training and professional development.

Difficult Conversations: Never Easy – Always Worthwhile

 Conflict is everywhere and impossible to avoid. And that’s OK,

Even the most confident people don’t see difficult conversations and managing conflict as easy, stress free and certainly not the highlight of their day. But we can all learn how to manage difficult conversations so that we reduce overall stress and improve overall outcomes.

To help us manage difficult conversations I believe it’s important to accept that not all conflict is bad or inherently negative – in fact sharing constructive feedback and resolving conflict often builds stronger relationships, new ideas, greater respect and greater trust.

Imagine you have an employee who isn’t performing or whose behaviour is making work unpleasant for others. I propose it’s better to have a conversation that will be uncomfortable in the short term, but will give the employee the opportunity to see you as someone who cares about their personal and professional future. You are also empowering them to decide if they would like to adjust their behaviour and to continue building a successful career.

And the benefits to having difficult conversations and resolving conflict don’t end with the employee. Consider the benefit to team dynamics and corporate culture when a peaceful resolution is found versus the disruption a more volatile outcome will have for everyone.

First Steps

One of the first steps when having difficult conversations and / or sharing constructive feedback is to be clear how it will benefit us and the other person. In our personal lives, there are times it just isn’t worth it. Do we need to invest in a difficult conversation with a rude salesclerk? Maybe it is worth it… but often it is not. Alternatively, in our professional lives difficult conversations are important for many reasons like when our company values and performance objectives are not being met.

Another important step when having difficult conversations and resolving conflict is to have conversations as soon as possible. When inappropriate behaviour isn’t corrected quickly, it becomes the new norm and far more difficult (and costly) to correct later. Inappropriate behaviour also erodes the motivation, respect, and trust of everyone else on the team who must watch and potentially experience this behaviour first-hand.

Conclusion

There are many other steps to having a difficult conversation and resolving conflict including sharing stories of what you observed, encouraging an atmosphere where situations and solutions are explored versus placing blame, and never thinking the other person is evil / mean. But for now, let’s embrace the idea that conflict and difficult conversations are opportunities for us all to be respectful, improve and build greater trust.

In our next post, (which I will link here) I will discuss important steps to take when faced with conflict and the opportunity to have a respectful, empowering difficult conversations.

Thank you for reading ‘Difficult Conversations: Never Easy - Always Worthwhile’. I will link to other related difficult conversation articles in this series as I launch them.

Bruce

Learn More About Bruce Mayhew

Toronto corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting is in the people business… it just so happens that training and/or executive coaching is involved. Let us help you improve your productivity and employee engagement.

To learn more about how leadership training can to improve your skills call us at 416.617.0462.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting's most popular programs are Email Etiquette Training, Difficult Conversations, Generational Differences, Leadership Skills Training and Time Management Training

Related Workshops That Drive Business Success

• What Is Servant Leadership?

• Email Etiquette Training

• The Role of Empathy during Difficult Conversations at Work

Toronto based corporate trainer and executive coach Bruce Mayhew Consulting offers leadership training and professional development across Canada and the USA.

Empathy at Work During the Covid Pandemic and Moving Forward

An exploration of empathy is an important opportunity as we all push through the Covid-19 pandemic. Learning what other people may be feeling, believing and/or needing during this difficult time helps us learn about ourselves and what is important to us. Practicing empathy also helps us be strong, recover and even emerge out of a bad experience with greater awareness and resilience. It helps us be the people we want to be and build the future we deserve.

We can all agree the Covid pandemic has us under greater stress. If we’ve been able to continue working during the pandemic we’ve likely either separated from others with plexiglass and masks (as important as they are), or we’ve fallen into a pattern of back-to-back, highly efficient Zoom calls and even more email than ever. Covid also has added stress to our family lives, sometimes keeping family members apart while keeping others together 24/7 for weeks and even months on end. Even grocery shopping and other simple tasks has become complicated. And, worst of all, Covid has taken friends and loved ones away from many of us.

At this stage of the pandemic most of us are exhausted, less connected and are quite simply out of practice at how to be social and build personal connections, both of which help us have trusting, respectful and mutually beneficial relationships.

Finding the silver lining

We can give our shared distress some meaning. Nelson Mandela said, “Everyone can rise above their circumstances and achieve success if they are dedicated to and passionate about what they do.” As we rebuild, we have an opportunity to reflect on what we are learning about ourselves, our communities and our workspaces. We also get to decide how we want to move forward as we celebrate our strength and resilience.

Even though we may not be fully out of the Covid pandemic, let’s not wait to take a positive next step.

In our workspaces each of us (from the brand new employee to the veteran leader) have an opportunity to champion healthy workspaces and build healthy teams and healthy companies. All of us can take on a leadership role to create empathetic workspaces built upon shared respect and trust… even if it is within our own bubble, one positive step will lead to another and will influence someone else. Another Nelson Mandela quote seems appropriate here, “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same”.

Opportunities to practice empathy and the benefits

Empathy is at our fingertips, all we have to do is choose to use it. And best of all, it is free of charge and very effective.

Here are 6 of my favourite opportunities to practice empathy:

1. Explore our personal and shared values… and what they mean

2. Be open to learn about each other and from each other (I love hearing other peoples stories)

3. Strive to develop greater team communication and inclusion

4. Support greater collaboration, commitment, creativity and innovation

5. Support greater work life balance

6. Be very open to continuous change (all of these opportunities will require an element of change)

By following the above mentioned opportunities to practice empathy, in addition to greater workplace harmony we all can experience the following Win-Win benefits for ourselves, our friends/coworkers and our company (I think this is amazing, especially since empathy costs nothing):

• Less burnout

• Greater satisfaction, pride and sense of purpose in our work (for us and for others)

• Greater productivity

• Lower turnover

• Greater customer experiences and customer satisfaction

Using empathy at work and other places

Empathy is at the heart of feeling respect for ourselves and others. When we feel respected it meets our individual need to feel valued for our contribution. There are so many ways to explore empathy both within ourselves and outwardly as we all push through the Covid-19 pandemic. In addition to the 6 opportunities to practice empathy during the covid pandemic and moving forward that I mentioned above, here are 5 more described in a bit more detail.

• Make a conscious effort to use empathy to rebuild trusting and respectful relationships. Show the people you work with that you care about them by learning about them and listening to their stories with no judgement. And, if they have a challenge, don’t jump into solutions mode. Instead, pause and listen; be understanding. That might be all they need.

• Every once in a while, call a friend, family member or business connection to just to say hi – especially if you don’t need anything from them. Take a moment to sincerely ask how they are. This shows them you care about them as individuals.

• Be respectful, especially if their preferences and beliefs are different than your own. There are two types of respect that build trusting relationships; Earned Respect and Owed Respect.

  • Owed Respect is based on a sense of equally and everyone should experience it. If it is lacking there is often micromanaging, abuse of power, dismissiveness, passive aggressive behaviour.

  • Earned Respect is based on our individual accomplishments or qualities. We are recognized for our expertise and given opportunity to contribute and perhaps even lead when we are the subject matter expert. If it is lacking, we feel interchangeable and don’t get credit for our unique contribution and/or ideas.

• Be open to the idea that compromise is a source of strength, not weakness. Finding a shared solution does mean we learn about each others needs and therefore often take a bit more time. In workspaces shared solutions are often more impactful and more creative. And, because shared solutions are supported by multiple people and/or departments, respect, commitment and collaboration also increase… all because of compromise.

• Volunteer somewhere. Studies show that when we help other people we trigger our mesolimbic system, the part of our brain that is responsible for feelings of reward, pride and an increase in self-esteem. Volunteering also provides us opportunities to be in low stress situations, to do something good and to be around other like-minded people. All of this means we are able to practice our communication skills, build good bonds with new ‘friends’ and build even stronger bonds with existing friends and family. Overall, another Win-Win.

Conclusion

This is just a snapshot of how empathy provides a life-long opportunity to grow and become a better version of ourselves. As we emerge out of the Covid-19 pandemic we all have the opportunity to do so with greater awareness of who we want to be, how we want to act and who we want to be with and work with. All we have to do is begin to explore our potential.

Now more than ever lets remember to practice patience with ourselves and others and take this moment to explore how we have practiced empathy in the past and how we can ratchet it up a notch or two moving forward.

Thank you for reading about how to move forward as we all push through the Covid-19 pandemic.

Bruce

Other articles in this series include:

• The Importance of Empathy at Work

• How to Practice Empathy at Work

• 8 Habits of Highly Empathic People

• The Role of Empathy During Difficult Conversations at Work

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Difficult Conversations, Crucial Conversations or Conflict Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work: Part 1

Nobody should be bullied, and the excuse of working in a high pressure / critical workspace is no excuse at all. Sadly, bullies of all shapes and sizes are actively throwing chaos, low morale and low productivity into even the calmest of workspaces.

Thank you in advance for wanting to explore this complex topic. This is Part 1 of my 3-part series I continue to explore how employees, leaders and organizations can approach important elements. I have linked to the other two parts of this series at the end of this post.

A bully’s behavior is tolerated at work for many reasons. For example:

• The bully appears to be a high-performer and therefore perceived to be valuable. But, while they may be winning big accounts, in addition to being a bully they may be alienating others and/or not sharing recognition. Truth is, the situations they create likely cost the company a fortune due to low morale of other employees as well as lower productivity, creativity and attention to detail. In addition, there is likely higher than average employee turnover and an overall negative impact on suppliers and customers.

• Others around the bully may see the bully as a great way for them to ascend to a power or profit position. We see this often in politics, but it happens within the political sphere of business as well. While victims pile up, the enablers who are benefiting keep their heads down and quietly support the bully (or at least allow them to function) while hoping (with no guarantee) that their loyalty will keep them from becoming a victim.

• The bully may be well cloaked, passing themselves off as a collaborator, an enlightened non-violent friend-of-all, meanwhile they consistently grab positions of power. As masters of passive aggressiveness and fearful of not being seen as ‘the expert’, their goal is to control situations by putting themselves at the center of every positive decision and far away from any shortcoming. Truth is, once you begin recognizing their behaviour, these bullies are easily spotted since they rarely make quick decisions to novel situations. Instead, they look to form a committee to working group.

What Makes A Bully Become A Bully? 

Generally, many professionals who study workplace dynamics and bullies specifically say people are bullies for a few reasons. For example:

1. The bully craves power. Bullying is a habit that has worked for them in the past to help them get the power they desire. Often these people also feel inadequate (and insecure) and use bullying as a way to compensate and push high-value people away – again helping them look and feel good.

2. They feel success is a competition; a zero-sum-game and feel they have to always come out on top – as the winner. Because they see things through the lens of “If you win then I lose” or in other words, “If you have a good idea, I look less valuable” they feel threatened by others. This is often apparent for people who apply great value to hierarchy (in any of its many forms). They see others as competition instead of team members and attack them and/or their ideas, trying to tarnish their reputation or confidence.

3. The bully has suffered themselves, feels insecure and handles that badly. Consciously or unconsciously, they’ve learned over time that putting others down helps them feel better.

4. The bully is overwhelmed and sees power in knowledge, not leadership. Often this bully is cloaked as the collaborator, they are slow to make decisions, always looking for input from others. They become a bully-thief. When plans are put in place, they position themselves as the hero who orchestrated the solution and presents the final strategy.

Personally, for the last year I’ve been experiencing a particularly nasty combination of both bullying and passive aggressive behaviour from a (so called) leader. Fortunately, I was able to disconnect with relative ease – but the impact is still great. Even though I’ve distanced myself 100%... and if feels so good to get away, I’m also learning there is a long list of people who came before. And worse of all, there are many people who can’t get away so easily.

As I reflect on my own experience of being bullied I have to admit that even with all of my experience as a leader in a corporate world… even with all of the research I have done in relation to generational differences, communication, leadership and diversity, I did not see this one coming. In retrospect I realize I made excuses for the bully… excuses like:

1. They really didn’t mean it

2. I was misinterpreting their behaviour

3. They were on a steep learning curve

4. They were experiencing unprecedented situations (Covid-19)

5. They wanted my support as a coach so I should try harder and give them more opportunity.

Turns out, only #4 was true. They did mean it, I wasn’t misinterpreting their behaviour, they had no interest in learning or changing their approach and my support only tapped their insecurities even more – I assume because would have to admit they were not all knowing and all seeing (and no leader is).

What Happens When We Are Bullied?

Bullies are commonly found in leadership positions or some other position of authority. This often makes it difficult for victims and potential victims to get support; this is one reason people often stay silent when they feel they’ve been bullied. Unfortunately, this often empowers and emboldens the bully.

When we are bullied, victims feel increasing levels of stress, anxiety, fear, depression, high blood pressure, insecurity and often lower self-worth, especially when they stay silent. Even if victims quit their job to get away, victims usually carry their feelings of lower self-worth forward for years to come.

My personal experience is just another reminder that the best leader is the one who supports their team to share their expertise – not the one who is jealous of it or intimidated by it.

Either way – being bullied – or being a bully isn’t cool.

Conclusion:

Please continue exploring this topic in any and all ways possible. In my three articles I cover just the beginning of an important topic with many variabilities.

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work Part 2: Explores Education And Setting Up Support Systems

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work Part 3: Explores Bullying versus Performance Management

If you feel you want to talk to someone about an experience you’ve had or are having, don’t wait… there are many services where friendly and well-trained people are on hand. Just search online for something like ‘bullied conversation line’ and you will find many options. If your situation is not urgent and you believe I can help, please send me an email at bruce@brucemayhewconsulting.com

Thank you for reading.

Bruce

PERSONAL NOTE OF GRATITUDE: Thank you to the wonderful people who added to this article by discussing their experiences with me and making suggestions. You are some of the strongest - most courageous people I know. I am honoured to know you and you make the world around you a better place.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

Thank you for stopping by.

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work: Part 2

Nobody should be bullied at work and this is Part 2 of my 3-part series I continue to explore how employees, leaders and organizations can approach important elements. I have linked to the other two parts of this series at the end of this post.

Thank you in advance for wanting to explore this complex topic.

As mentioned in Section I of this article, the situations bullies create cost the company a fortune due to low morale, low productivity and creativity as well as higher turnover. And, no matter what the cause, lower workplace satisfaction always has a long-term negative impact on customer satisfaction. Studies consistently show that great places to work often outperform average organizations. Glassdoor studies show on average, stocks of companies rated as ‘Best Places To Work’ earned 20.3 percent per year between 2009 and 2019, compared to 12.9 percent for the S&P 500. https://www.glassdoor.com/research/stock-returns-bptw-2020/

An Organization Must Be Proactive To Stand Against Bullying

We all hope we will be the exception and never have to deal with a bullying situation on our team. I hate to break it to you some day you will – and you will be lucky if it only happens once through your career. But careers are long and bullies are everywhere.

Education for everyone is the best first line of defence and it will support all other important initiatives you should take. As my dad would say, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” and in this situation he is right at both the organization level and team level.

1. Bullying Education

Don’t wait to see bullying to begin arranging anti-bullying education. There are as many nuances to bullying as there are colours, and what feels like bullying to one person can be completely acceptable to someone else. 

Use education to make everyone aware of the signs of bullying. A thoughtful education plan makes sure everyone has a similar understanding of what bullying is.  It also outlines the support resources that are available for themselves or for others if they feel they are watching someone else getting bullied.

Education begins to empower victims to take action and learn how address an issue. It also has the potential to disrupt issues early before they become big. And while I say this, I also have to point out three things:

1. Everyone must participate in education and participate in the exploration of what it is like to be a bully and what it is like to be bullied. It assumes everyone approach this topic with curiosity.

2. To have impact on someone who is a bully (or a potential bully), if education is going to help, the individual must also be self-aware. They have to realize they are responsible for their behaviour and for how they are seen by others. This won’t always happen and will often require a more direct approach.

3. Thirdly, help a bully (or potential bully), they have to want to not be one.

Note: Consider including this education within discussions about Diversity and Inclusion (D&I) to even further empower your team and balance your workspaces. Education should also be part of all on-boarding programs.

As part of the education program I believe it’s important to discuss how and why situations that may trigger one person may not trigger another. Different people have different communication styles resulting in one person’s actions being interpreted as aggressive. In this case, education is beneficial for both parties. Education also is important to stay open and mindful of others. For example, everyone can learn how and why their actions may evoke unexpected responses in others while at other times they may be unintentionally triggered by others who have a different communication style.

Education helps each of us recognize when we are triggered and to explore why and how we respond. This awareness helps us to have productive conversations early-on about expectations and how we are feeling which often results in building greater trust between individuals and teams.

It’s worth repeating that as everyone learns about what bullying looks like, it provides an opportunity for everyone self-reflect and recognise if our own actions may be perceived as bullying by someone else, even if their intentions are innocent. Two important things here. First, self-reflection isn’t guaranteed. Just because someone participating in this training doesn’t mean he or she recognizes their actions as being bullying or takes responsibility for them. Also, even if they do recognize the impact of their actions, they have to want to not be a bully. Some people will not want to let this go… or even know how to, especially if it has become part of their core personality and they think it has served them well in the past. The thing is, while they may think being a bully has paid off for them, they have way of knowing how successful they could have been if they were not seen as a bully, but instead seen as a supportive leader and honest, trustworthy collaborator.

This approach is important because it teaches everyone that we must all work together, recognizing, celebrating and giving room for each other’s unique individuality. To be clear, this is not a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card. Everyone must learn that they have a responsibility to their reputation and the health of the corporate culture.

2. Include Everyone In Defining, Updating And Reviewing Policies

I like to think of policies not as a ‘What To Do When’ reference but instead as a guideline that can adapt to meet the needs of specific situations. That said, policies should include three steps.

1. An agreement of how we should all behave and why. This should happen from a legal perspective. It’s also imperative policies consider the values of the organization. This step requires training & numerous discussions for all. This requires the organizations values are clearly defined (which in itself is an inclusive process that easily takes months).

2. Shared awareness that different people communicate in different ways, manage hierarchy and manage urgency. This includes recognition that how we communicate is both an instinctive and learned behaviour, shaped by many things including our family and cultural experiences / norms: This requires training & numerous discussions for all.

3. An agreement by all on how to approach conversations respectfully and how / where to escalate conversations in a safe and respectful way for everyone. Difficult conversation training also requires training & numerous discussions for all; the extra benefit is that this training is useful throughout our career.

Everyone should feel they are investing in the process; making sure it is understood and both safe to discuss situations in private with someone and an easy-to-follow process.

3. Set Up Allies For Victims: Different Avenues For Escalation / Discussion 

Leadership will attract behaviour that is identified as bully behaviour. Leadership will also attract behaviour that is perceived as bullying, but it is not… it’s Performance Management (more on this below). But bully behaviour is not isolated at the leadership level; it’s estimated that close to 40% of incidence happen by peers or lower-level employees… and sometimes by customers or suppliers.

Because a leader may be the bully or the perceived bully, it may be impossible or uncomfortable for an employee to directly approach their leader. It’s therefore important there are trained individuals who can be the first line of discussion and potential escalation for people feeling bullied. At times, these individuals can be employees intentionally chosen from different levels of the organization. But, support outside of the organization is also a healthy idea, especially for smaller organizations. 

These ‘Allies’ should have training that helps them recognize potential bully behaviour so they can be an impartial sounding board and emotional support. With that knowledge, these persons can begin to safely, confidentially and impartially guide the individual about the initial steps of discussion and escalation which may include coordinating with an internal or external professional who specializes in workplace investigation and mediation.

It is important that when a complaint is made, both the victim and the alleged bully deserve an impartial, confidential, objective investigation. In no way should a reprimand or behaviour coaching take place before this impartial step is completed.

The best resolutions to a confirmed bullying situation can be simple or complex. In some cases, the bully may not have noticed they are behaving badly – they may be acting exactly how they were raised – therefore demonstrating learned behaviour. On the other hand, a bully may know exactly what they are doing. Either way, they do need to recognize they are responsible for their behaviour and that their behaviour has to align with organizational values and policies. They also have to want to change.

A constructive solution will in all likelihood include sensitivity and possibly policy training for the bully. A solution will also likely require emotional support and professional coaching for all parties impacted – including those rightfully or wrongly accused. If training, arbitration and counselling doesn’t resolve a confirmed case, zero-tolerance must be the next step forward for the health and safety of all involved. 

Conclusion:

Please continue exploring this topic in any and all ways possible. In my three articles I cover just the beginning of an important topic with many variabilities.

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work Part 1: Explores What Is And Makes A Bully

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work Part 3: Explores Bullying versus Performance Management

If you feel you want to talk to someone about an experience you’ve had or are having, don’t wait… there are many services where friendly and well-trained people are on hand. Just search online for something like ‘bullied conversation line’ and you will find many options. If your situation is not urgent and you believe I can help, please send me an email at bruce@brucemayhewconsulting.com

Thank you for reading.

Bruce

PERSONAL NOTE OF GRATITUDE: Thank you to the wonderful people who added to this article by discussing their experiences with me and making suggestions. You are some of the strongest - most courageous people I know. I am honoured to know you and you make the world around you a better place.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

Thank you for stopping by.

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work: Part 3

Nobody should be bullied, and the excuse of working in a high pressure / critical workspace is no excuse at all. Sadly, bullies of all shapes and sizes are actively throwing chaos, low morale and low productivity into even the calmest of workspaces.

This is Part 3 of my 3-part series I continue to explore how employees, leaders and organizations can approach important elements; specifically how to approach performance management. I have linked to the other two parts of this series at the end of this post.

Thank you for wanting to explore this complex topic.

Education Is Important

Education must be for everyone; nobody should be excluded. And, because bullying (or the appearance of bullying), is often found in leadership positions, I believe all leaders and potential leaders should take regular and refresher training. This can act as a prevention as well as help leader ‘stay fresh’ to this topic so they are always prepared whether a situation is raised or even if they are going to be having performance management discussions which often can be interpreted as bullying. 

Recognize the Difference Between Performance Management Versus Bullying

Staying on top of performance management is more important than ever in today’s fast-paced business world where change is constant, and workforces are more remote. 

One of the many key responsibilities of all leaders is performance management and is easily considered one of the fundamental ‘hard skills’ that exist for leaders. And while this is true, it’s important to recognize successful leaders fully engage their soft skills or emotional intelligence when delivering this often-sensitive information. Even opportunities for improvement should be delivered in a way that encourages individual’s and aligns with their personal goals as well as organizations goals. In fact, studies by world-renowned leadership researchers Zenger Folkman have positioned motivation and inspiration as the two most important leadership skills.

Four key purposes of performance management are to focus on:

1. Competitive advantage for the employee and the organization

2. Employee engagement and effectiveness

3. Employee professional development and confidence

4. Individual and team morale

Approached well performance management improves all aspects of an employee / employer relationship including building greater loyalty. Done poorly, performance management can be interpreted as bullying. Even if apparent bullying is directed to only one person, others will see and by association – experience it, and as this happens, they will also lose trust in the leader and avoid situations where they may become a target. 

Consider a situation where an individual is not meeting expectations that have been previously discussed and agreed to. In this situation, two previous performance reviews have clearly and correctly identified performance gaps. These performance reviews have also included discussions to address opportunities for improvement. Because the individual continues to not meet expectations, it’s the leader’s responsibility to increase careful monitoring of performance. This increased attention will hopefully also include discussions about what other supports the employee may need – like additional training and/or coaching. A frequent challenge is the employee in question considers the additional attention a form of bullying.

Consider another situation many of us are experiencing now related to working remotely and the communication challenges we may not realize we are having. Many of us never realized the benefits in-person meetings and how even simple body language unconsciously helped us build trusting relationships and share important information. The potential difficulties and misunderstandings related to performance management communication in our socially distant, remote work-lives has increased exponentially. It’s increasingly common for employees (and leaders) to feel additional stress in this demanding, fast-paced and ever-changing environment and in-turn, interpret the actions of each other as bullying and/or as not being fully transparent.  

No matter what the situation, managing expectations is critical by the leader as well as a level of self-awareness on how they may be interpreted. Let me repeat – leaders have to always be thinking about how they are being ‘seen’ via email, video chat and text message more than ever. And my believe that all of this responsibility should not all be hung on a leader’s shoulders. Self-awareness and emotional intelligence should also be expected from employees (and trained if necessary). That said, conversation is almost always the best first step in building a solution in either of these situations. And for this is where Allies discussed in point #3 will can be invaluable. 

The Impact of Reverse Bias

One thing to be mindful of is the potential fear of leaders – especially leaders who have previously been wrongly identified as bullies. In these cases, they and the company may actually be suffering long-term consequences. Without the proper support and coaching for them, it’s not unusual for leaders to begin forming an unhealthy reverse bias situation where they fear being unjustly labeled as bullies, and therefore don’t identify performance management situations as they should. 

We can all imagine how reverse bias has the potential to have serious negative impact from lowering the company’s ability to reach their strategic goals. If the leader feels unable to provide feedback, support and coaching to one or more employees, this could easily have negative impact the employees personal and professional growth and therefore future experience and potential. 

I think we can all agree that as our workspaces become more complex, clear performance management guidelines that are supported and adhered to throughout the organization will be important to protect everyone.

Let’s explore some signs of disrespect / bullying versus performance management. 

Disrespect / Bullying:

1. Intimidating, threatening, or humiliating someone.

2. Attacking something that can’t be changed:‘It’s a problem because you don’t have an accounting degree…’

3. Attacking the person not the behaviour or outcome: ‘The problem with you is…’

4. Being vague: ‘You need to improve your attention to detail…’

5. Exaggerating:‘You always/never/constantly…’

6. Intentional Exclusion: When someone intentionally and repeatedly excludes one or more people from a team or group.

7. Supporting gossip that may undermine a person’s character, trust and/or performance.

8. Keeping others off-balance. Perhaps changing the rules or goals halfway through a project or not sharing all of the important information (as I write this I recall a Director I had many years ago who did exactly this to the whole team).

9. Expecting behaviour and skill that has never been discussed or expected in the past.

10. Rarely (if ever) providing positive reinforcement.

11. Being passive aggressive and/or making comments targeted at destroying confidence and self-worth.

12. Gas-lighting using phrases like, ‘You’re overreacting. It wasn’t that bad’, or‘What an imagination – that never happened (or I never said that)’.The goal is to make their victim doubt what they have seen, experienced and/or know is true. More on Gas-lighting here

13. Alluding to gossip / side-stepping their own responsibility: ‘Everyone thinks you are not pulling your weight’

14. Losing emotional control: Disrespecting someone and/or their ideas by shouting, belittling, rolling eyes or laughing at them or a suggestion they made.

15. Physical bullying.

Performance Management:

1. Actions are objectively sound, consistent for all and documented.

2. All performance management meetings happen on-schedule to avoid the appearance of a surprise evaluation.

3. Employees receive clear Performance Standards and Key Performance Indicators, linked to the Performance Description.

4. Expectations should be in-line and in-scope with the agreed upon job responsibilities.

5. Performance should be in-line with previously dis­cussed per­son­al and career devel­op­ment.

6. Expectations and conversations are timely – both ways.

7. Are the employee’s skills being used in ways you have previously agreed?

8. Does the employ­ee need any support from their man­ag­er in short or long-term?

9. Is the employee showing non-compliance with policies/procedures?

10. Is the employee acting inappropriately, being disruptive or demonstrating bad behaviour?

11. Management offers formal performance improvement plans in line with Performance Standards and Key Performance Indicators.

12. Management provides adequate support for individuals to reach the agreed standards.

13. Management must provide formal warnings for breaching policies, noting specifically which behaviours have breached.

14. Management prepares written minutes of all performance management meetings including formal written warnings when necessary.

Bullying Not Accepted

With all of the preparation we’ve discussed, this last step must be an ongoing step. 

When bullying is confirmed it cannot be tolerated by anyone - from the most senior to the most junior… even when it seems to be working to our advantage. 

If bullying is permitted that inaction will damage employ morale and trust throughout the organization and result in higher turnover, higher sick-leave, less creativity, lower productivity, more mistakes and waste and the list goes on and on which often quickly impacts customer satisfaction and profitability.

Politics is a good public example of how some individuals within a political party may do everything from passively tolerating bullying to actively encouraging it – all in an effort to maintain power/influence and/or their job. The one thing about situations where bullies are tolerated for this purpose, in all cases I can think of the bully (or bullies) eventually loses their foothold and fall from grace. And it usually doesn’t end there as the reputations of the people who supported the bully are also tarnished or ruined and/or the whole team, political party or company become collateral damage.

Now, this doesn’t mean when someone feels bullied that it has to be dealt in real-time. Depending on the situation and who is around, in-the-moment action might make things worse. 

Taking some time to respond when an individual feel bullied also gives them time to explore their experience with a qualified individual as discussed in point #4 (Recognize the Difference Between Performance Management Versus Bullying). In a nutshell, don’t talk behind their back and risk starting the rumour mill because that in itself is a form of bullying. Also, if possible, don’t wait a few months or a year to raise concerns. By pausing and specking in private to qualified people, they may find out it may be one or more instances of miscommunication, or misinterpretation on their part, and by pausing has protected their reputation and perhaps that of others as well.

All of this may sound logical – and it is, however, it is also complicated. While this can be defined within procedures, actually living through this is emotional and sensitive… and therefore difficult. For these reasons transparency and timely actions are both essential components to experiencing great success with few challenges. For these reasons it is also essential that all staff’s expectations are managed, and everyone is trained to be able to recognize all of the nuances of this topic and to especially recognize the differences between performance management and bullying.

Conclusion:

Thank you for reading and exploring this important topic. If you haven’t yet and would like to read my first two articles in this series, here are the direct links.

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work Part 1: Explores What Is And Makes A Bully

Nobody Should Be Bullied At Work Part 2: Explores Education And Setting Up Support Systems

If you feel you want to talk to someone about an experience you’ve had or are having, don’t wait… there are many services where friendly and well-trained people are on hand. Just search online for something like ‘bullied conversation line’ and you will find many options. If your situation is not urgent and you believe I can help, please send me an email at bruce@brucemayhewconsulting.com

I want to finish this series with a quote by Business Author Bob Chapman, “When 88% of the people who have jobs feel like they work for an organization that does not care for them, they do not feel valued. They feel used for someone’s else gain. In business, in politics, in our neighborhoods and communities, people are often not treated with the dignity and respect they deserve.”

If I ever thought leadership was in crisis, that statement stopped me in my tracks. What an opportunity for those who aspire and train to be great leaders - your competition is thin.

Thank you for reading.

Bruce

PERSONAL NOTE OF GRATITUDE: Thank you to the wonderful people who added to this article by discussing their experiences with me and making suggestions. You are some of the strongest - most courageous people I know. I am honoured to know you and you make the world around you a better place.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

Thank you for stopping by.

Turn Conflict And Difficult Conversations Into Positive Experiences

Employees are feeling disconnected and with many business engagements now taking place virtually these feelings are increasing and conflict is increasing. But lets take a moment to notice that not all conflict is bad - and look at when it does happen how can we manage it effectively.

I want to acknowledge the word ‘conflict’ has quite a broad definition. For this article I lean towards the definition from dictionary.com “verb: To come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition”

With this definition in mind, what do you think of the idea that conflict is not only natural, but that conflict and difficult conversations can be signs of a healthy relationship?

We often think of conflict and difficult conversations as bad; something to avoid. But should we? Sometimes conflict leads to something good. I’m sure we can all remember a moment of conflict that lead to new and exciting opportunities that enriched our lives by challenging us to meet new people and do new things. For example, when I worked in banking, I can remember a promotion I didn’t get (and yes, I was disappointed and disagreed with my bosses decision), but that loss motivated me to explore even greater – challenging opportunities I couldn’t have imagined. Instead of shutting me down for the rest of my career, it activated me. What I once considered as terrible news and negative conflict, I now describe as good a positive experience because it helped me change in ways I am very proud of.

Changing Our Approach:

What if we began thinking of conflict as an opportunity for two people to explore each others opposing viewpoints or expectations versus ‘a need to win a fight or prolonged battle’? What if we started thinking of conflict and difficult conversations as being something that can be a force of good that can challenge us (perhaps both of us), to become better individuals?

This is what I would like to discuss. So, lets explore how can we turn conflict and difficult conversations into positive experiences.

Start With Connection:

Whether we are delivering or receiving challenging news, start with honoring our connection and our relationship with the other person. Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I shouldn’t respect you. But, if I let our difference of opinion shut down my ability to connect with you and discuss / learn from you then we both lose before we even begin.

We may be an introvert or extrovert, but either way we all thrive for some level of connection; it is how we are wired – humans want to be connected. So, whenever you have a conversation, especially a difficult conversation, I encourage you to be sure to talk with your heart – tap into your empathy. Be aware of:

• What are you feeling?

• What do you feel they are feeling?

• What are you needing?

• What are they needing?

Safety and respect are two of our strongest needs. So, if you are going to tell someone they didn’t get the promotion, instead of thinking to yourself “I’m going to have a bad morning. I have to tell Joe he didn’t get the promotion,” start with the approach“I want to make sure Joe feels safe in my presence and respected by me and the company.”

Whether we are giving or getting bad news, when you and I feel safe we are more likely to stay calm and think through difficult situations. Making a connection helps us stay present and be able to discuss options. You and I also know that when the body feels fear it goes into protection mode – fight or flight. This means biology starts taking over as we feel the rush of adrenaline. When the body doesn’t feel safe it’s a bad time to try to have a difficult conversation – our body is looking to protect us and to deal with the fear verses think logically through a situation.

To have a difficult conversation make sure everyone feels safe. If you both are working in an office, choose a private space where the other person won’t feel vulnerable and both of you can speak clearly without interruption or distraction. If working remotely, do the same. Another good option to help people feel safe is to consider your timing. For example, share difficult news early in the day when everyone is less likely to be physically and emotionally exhausted from their day.

Practice Your First Sentence:

Using the example above, the idea is to continue making sure Joe feels safe and respected and to try to reinforce your connection.

Empathy is important here. One recommendation I have is that it is OK to talk about emotion but don’t be emotional (i.e.: stay calm, don’t raise your voice). 

A good first sentence might sound something like the following: “Joe, I’m sorry I have to share you didn’t get the job. I can see that this is disappointing.” You may want to pause here and see what Joe has to say. Alternatively, you can continue with something like, “Joe, while we didn’t think this was the best fit for you, I want to reinforce you are a valuable member of the team and I am glad you chose to put your name forward. It shows us you want more for yourself with the company. What I would like to do is now or later this week (if you would choose to do it later), is for us to look closer at your goals for the future and how I can support you.”

Sure, Joe is still going to be disappointed. But, he is also likely going to feel safe, respected and supported. And, you should expect that Joe is still going to want to talk about why he didn’t get the promotion, but he is more likely to be open to the news and future possibilities with this more supportive approach.

The most important thing you must do is ‘be authentic’. As I suggested earlier, don’t make this about you or the company. The wrong approach is saying something like, “I have to tell you and two other candidates you didn’t get the job. This is the worst part of my job and I am sorry I have to do this. I didn’t sleep a wink last night because I feel so bad and if I could give you all the promotion I would, but I can’t.”

If Joe does get emotional because adrenaline kicked in, stay present and listen. If you stay calm it is likely Joe will calm down quickly… but if he doesn’t, take a break, invite Joe to stay in the room as you go get both of you a glass of water. If you need to take a break for a day or two, be sure to come back to the conversation. Stay open to what the other person is going through.

Conclusion:

Feelings of conflict mean that something is important to you and to others. If we didn’t care it would not be conflict or a difficult conversation. Let’s remember:

1. One of the best things we can know is to know we are being heard.

2. When people feel they are being heard they are going to be more open to compromise – or understanding. They will be more open to understanding ‘why’.

Lastly, we can do our best to set the stage for success, but in the end, we can only control ourselves. If the other person isn’t ready to have a difficult conversation, then there is nothing we can do – if we are trying to be kind and they only see hostility it is OK to know we are trying to do our best and that they may just need some time. Sometimes the best solution is to mindfully step away and return to the conversation a day or two later.  Let’s just stay focused on what each of our goals are and what each of our needs are.

Life is messy. Let’s stay open and embrace it all.

Thank you for reading. I hope you have enjoyed exploring how to turn conflict and difficult conversations into positive experiences.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer and Executive Coach.

As a Corporate Trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) specialize in customized Time Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.

When In Conflict, Be A Good Listener: A Step-by-Step Approach

Are you a good listener in a conflict situation or do you become a boxer? Sorry - I couldn’t resist the fun play of words and the image.

Being a good listener when in conflict is one of the key elements of having win-win conversations. Thankfully, there are things you can do to be a good listener and develop a winning communication style.

Listener or Boxer? Which are you?

One of the most productive things you can do is help the other person trust your intentions - that you are there to understand their thoughts, feelings and needs. Another thing a good listener does is stay away from judging anyone, laying blame or letting your triggers (strong emotions), get the best of you.

Once you have their trust, gathering facts about what happened and why will be much more fruitful. But, this is still not as easy as it sounds. To help you to focus on what your speaker is saying and have productive conversations, I recommend the following step-by-step process:

1. Have a plan. Have an idea what success may look like for you and the other person (realizing you both see the world in very different ways.

2. Pause. Take a moment to reflect and confirm this is the right thing to do.

3. Turn off your smartphone / computer.

4. Breathe calmly. It’s easy for us to stop breathing during a difficult conversation.

5. Notice what is going on for you - and for them. Also notice your surroundings and distractions that may negatively impact the conversation.

6. Show interest. “I have something important I’d like to share and I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.”

7. Don’t interrupt them when they are speaking:

   • If you have ideas and/or questions… make a note of them.

8. Stay focused on what they are saying:

   • Don’t judge or assume

   • Manage your Triggers

   • Don’t think about what you will say

9. Respond to what they are doing, saying, feeling, needing and believing… but never React.

10. Validate what you think they said / feel / need / believe: “What I’m hearing you say is you feel members of the team interpret our corporate values inconsistently.”

11. Give them space / encouragement to correct what you said in step #10 by pausing and letting them respond.

12. Check in to see if there is more: “This is helpful. Are there other challenges that are impacting communication, our corporate values or quality?”

13. If they have more information or challenges to share, go back to step #7 to encourage them.

14. Thank the other person or people for their contribution

This step-by-step process has many benefits to help you be a great listener. The most obvious is that encourages the other person do most of the talking which helps you build trust and understanding; people will trust you less if you do most of the talking. Having the other person do most of the talking is also beneficial because it may be the first time they’ve spoken aloud about the situation. Speaking aloud may help them gain more understanding and take some responsibility. They may even begin resolving the conflict themselves.

Conclusion:

Becoming a good listener isn’t easy. It doesn’t mean sitting quietly until the other person stops talking, and being a good listener also doesn’t mean agreeing with what they are saying. In fact I would warn you against agreeing to much because later in the day they may subconsciously apply your agreement to the whole conversation. Recap: Understanding is good, agreeing is not.

One last thing; be careful if you find yourself giving advice, sharing your opinion or making suggestions. If you do (or even want to), it is a sign you are not listening.

BONUS: What Are Triggers?

A trigger is any positive or negative event that evokes a deep emotional response. One of the greatest challenges when participating in a difficult conversation is to manage your triggers and try to predict (and avoid), the triggers of the other peoples involved. When negatively triggered we may feel:

• Overwhelmed

• Angry

• Frustrated

• Disappointed

• Embarrassed

BONUS: Effective Open Ended Questions

• “Can you tell me more about that?”

• “What happened next?”

• “How did you feel?”

• “That’s interesting, can you help me better understand by explaining that further?”

• “What is it like to do that?”

• “Please… tell me more” (not a question… but effective.

• “How can we measure that?”

• “What does that mean?”

• “What are your expectations?”

• “How does that process work when… [there are two versus three people]?”

• “What procedures did you use to determine the customers needs?

Thank you for reading my article about why listening is important and how to listen well.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Corporate trainer Bruce Mayhew (of BMC) delivers customized Difficult Conversation training in Toronto and across Canada. We specialize in Leadership, Communication and other soft skills training solutions.

BMC helps your greatest assets think productive and be productive.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.