My 8 Habits of Highly Empathic People

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Have you ever felt you just needed someone to hear you – to listen to what you were feeling or experiencing and to not judge you, offer advice or problem solve? Sometimes all we need is for people to respect us enough to acknowledge that what we are experiencing is real to us even if they can’t relate to or fully understand what we are going through.

I recall a conversation with a great friend about a time when they were having a heated disagreement with their partner at home. My friend was not feeling they mattered or was being respected. During this disagreement their partner kept saying, “Just tell me what you want me to say.” My friend said this frustrated them even more. They felt disrespected because (in their words) “My feelings and needs were being treated like an equation, that whenever I said X that my partner should respond with Y and all would be fine”. My friend had not studied emotional intelligence or empathy, but they knew that their feelings were not linear and predictable. All my friend wanted was to trust that they mattered enough that they could share what they were experiencing with their partner and to feel respected and safe… even if their partner didn’t fully understand their feelings and needs.

The example I share with you is clearly a personal one, but it would not take much to imagine a similar workplace disagreement. Lets face it, workplaces are filled with policies, guidelines and rules. And while policies, guidelines and rules are important to healthy workspaces, so are things like trust, patience, care and respect to help everyone know they matter.

This month I’ve focused much of my writing on the topic of empathy. Some of my other recent posts are ‘The Importance of Empathy at Work’ and ‘How to Practice Empathy at Work’. I also have one called ‘The Role of Empathy During Difficult Conversations’ on the drawing board that I expect to publish soon. But for this article I felt it important to share an example of our need for empathy and to outline 8 habits of highly empathic people and how these habits can help build relationships based on positivity and respect because we are all capable of empathy and we are all in need of empathy.

My 8 Habits of Highly Empathic People

Habit 1: Empathetic people are intentionally curious about other people, places, how things are done… and why. They see life as a collection of experiences and that growth and change are what help us evolve, stay healthy and stay interesting.

Habit 2: Empathetic people openly embrace opportunities to authentically experience how other people live, eat, work, rest and play. They know that their needs, feelings, experiences, likes and dislikes are unique to themselves and that there is a great opportunity for them to both learn from other people as well as teach other people.

Habit 3. They spend time trying to understand their own emotions in order to understand their own motivation, communication style, actions and impact. They know that their greatest accomplishment is to know themselves and that as they learn about themselves they are able to build better relationships with other people.

Habit 4. They challenge their own prejudices and biases – looking instead for goals, needs, experiences and/or feelings we have in common. Empathic people realize that as humans, it is natural and often healthy to have prejudices and biases that help us quickly respond to opportunity or danger. But, empathic people also know there are many times when we have to overcome some of our learned prejudices and biases so we (and others) can grow and be amazing.

Habit 5: Empathic people embrace growth, imagination and new ideas. Empathic people also know that some of us have an insatiable appetite for growth and change while others (like my mother) approach change slowly… and all approaches are OK.

Habit 6. They do what they can to help other people feel safe and respected, especially if they don’t agree with them. Empathic people find time to be with other people without needing to understand them, change them or fix them.

Habit 7. Empathic people listen without needing to speak, problem solve or push their agenda. They watch body language and what someone may be saying, not saying and needing. Instead of commenting they ask open-ended questions or may just stay silent and present.

Habit 8: They spend time trying to understand the emotions others may be experiencing in order to understand their own motivation, communication style actions and impact. As part of their own learning cycle they see communication as a way to learn about and support other people as well as an opportunity to learn about and support themselves.

Lets just be clear there is a difference between kindness and empathy. For example:

  • Getting a coffee for a coworker when you are going for one yourself is kindness.

  • Getting a coffee for a coworker who is struggling to meet a deadline, loves their morning coffee and hasn’t had a chance to get away from their desk is kindness and empathy.

  • Getting a coffee for your boss to gain favour is sucking up.

Why Studying Empathy Is Important

I believe studying empathy is important because it is what binds us together. As Jo Cox, a famous British Member of Parliament who fought for social justice and equality said, “We have more in common than what divides us”. Looking at what we have in common used to be easy, but in today’s global, digital, hyper-connected, hyper-disconnected, instantaneous and often competitive world, it is easy to only see what is different and separates us.

Empathy helps build trust and respect. And even when this process is slow, when we strive to understand and trust each other we are more likely to work together to find collaborative, mutually beneficial, Win-Win solutions. The alternative is Win-Lose, and why should we settle for Win-Lose when Win-Win is an option?

Studying empathy is important because it is in decline. A study by the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research combined the results of 72 different studies between 1979 and 2009. Using meta-analysis researcher Sara Konrath found that participants in 2009 were 40% less empathetic than participants in 1979, and the steepest decline in empathy took place over the last decade.

In our world today we are often disconnected from those around us. This starts early as more and more children are entertained and communicate almost exclusively using smart phones and smart pads instead of watching and engaging with people around them. Just the other day I was in a restaurant and a small child around 3-years old was consumed with playing a game on a tablet while their parents ignored them and talked among themselves. How is that child going to learn how to recognize feelings (their own and others) and then also learn how to express and manage them when they are shut off during their most impressionable time of their lives? I recall when I was young my parents would not even allow the TV or radio to be on during a meal which in retrospect I am very grateful.

Conclusion

I’d like to leave you with one final thought. Empathy is like a muscle; sometimes situations are so familiar like when we pick up a glass we don’t even realize we are using our strength. But often we find ourselves needing a bit more strength to lift heavy things or a delicate touch when dealing with something fragile. When it comes to empathy, many of us are good with the average please and thank you, but more often than we forget we need to pay attention to our emotional strength. Perhaps it will be an argument with our partner or it will be discussing a difference of opinion with coworkers; whatever the situations are, these are times when our previous investment into understanding and expressing our empathy ‘muscle’ will be important.

In those cases, I hope that following these habits of highly empathic people can help you exercise your empathy and keep in mind how to keep trust, patience, care and respect in mind.

Thank you for reading about my 8 habits of highly empathic people.

Bruce

Other articles in this series include:

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Difficult Conversations, Crucial Conversations or Conflict Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.






How to Practice Empathy at Work

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Some people are naturally more empathic than others

Generally, we begin to develop our empathic skills when we are children by observing and learning from our family, communities, coaches, mentors, teachers and entertainment. When we mirror these behaviours we are rewarded (often with praise and attention) which further locks our understanding and comfort exhibiting these behaviours. During this process we usually also gain an ability to recognize empathic behaviours in others. The same goes when we practice empathy at work. When we are rewarded we repeat behaviours – both good and bad. So, in order to practice empathy at work we have to have leaders, coworkers and even suppliers and customers who demonstrate empathy and we all (or at least most of us) have to reward each other when we recognize it.

Why Do We Struggle Accessing Empathy?

To experience empathy we have to get in touch with our emotions. It is natural our empathy may be underdeveloped if our awareness, understanding and practice of empathy has not been nurtured. In more extreme cases, some people suffer from Empathy Deficit Disorder (EDD), but for most of us we all have some level of empathy. Some of us are more empathetic than others and many of us have learned to me more empathetic or less empathetic in certain situations, like at work.

There are many reasons why we may struggle accessing empathy. Here are eight:

  1. We may learn to not feel empathy for survival. Imagine a hostile family setting or workspace that we can’t leave because of financial reasons. Knowingly or not, we may learn to not feel based for survival. Unfortunately, shutting down in one space often impacts all the other spaces we exist.

  2. People who have an empathy impairment may be antisocial or have a narcissistic personality, autism or schizophrenia. Another reason people demonstrate low levels of empathy is that they may have been raised in families that avoided their feelings and even condemned others for feeling emotions. Some people have learned to shut down their feelings early in their lives to such a degree that they can’t even recognize or name their own feelings, and if we can’t recognize our own feelings we certainly can’t feel empathy for what other people are feeling, needing or experiencing.

    Whatever the reason, people who lack empathy are often disconnected from themselves and the people around them. They may not even aware of their disconnect and that something important is missing. In most cases these people need professional support to learn to connect with their emotions.

  3. Some businesspeople may wrongly have learned that empathy makes them weak or has no place in business / at work.

  4. In our personal lives some people may push away empathy and vulnerability in relationships in order to protect themselves because they have been hurt in the past.

  5. Some people may believe that if the empathize with someone that means they agree. (It does not).

  6. Some people may have learned that showing empathy means they are weak.

  7. Some people avoid empathy so that they can avoid dealing with their own fears and emotions that may cause them pain. Truth is, it is likely that those unprocessed feelings are causing them pain anyway. Again, the best way to learn to safely connect with their emotions is to get professional support.

  8. Some people may believe empathy also means we share an unhealthy or inappropriate intimacy.

Empathy Is A Teachable Skill. How We Can Build And Practice Empathy At Work

Yes, we can learn to be more empathetic over time. This change process is called Neuro plasticity – the creation of new brain patterns. Neuro plasticity is like a reset – the more we change practice the more new habits become new reflexes. And, as I mentioned earlier, in the most difficult cases the best way to learn to safely connect with emotions will likely mean getting professional support.

The same way that great leaders become great by studying leadership techniques, learning and practicing, same goes for empathy. In most adult cases, learning to cultivate empathy and create new brain patterns is possible only when the individual is willing to change. We should also recognize that while supportive people and environments help us cultivate our empathy, angry and disconnected people and environments can weaken our ability to access our own empathy.

As A Leader… Helping Your Team or Team Member Practice Empathy At Work

As a leader I recommend the following two-step approach to helping your team or a member of your team be more empathetic.

Step 1.

The approach to teaching empathy often is customized depending on the person’s motivation and personal style and their environment / culture. In all circumstances, appreciation, positive rewards and recognition are also strongly encouraged as a core element to help individuals feel good about the empathetic choices they are making.

Whether in a personal or business space steps all related to manage each other’s expectations:

  1. Share with them what behaviours are expected and not expected. Whether it is a technical skill or a soft skill, people can’t do what you expect if they don’t know what you expect.

  2. Share why the behaviours that are expected and why they are important to the family and/or company as well as themselves. We all have greater motivation when we know the benefit (the why) our efforts are important and how we are making a difference.

  3. Begin with empathy experiences that will resonate with their own goals and personal motivators. For example, if they are motivated by being seen as an expert in an area or by knowing they have contributed / added to a project, point out how you demonstrate empathy as a reward.

  4. Be careful with what is considered ‘constructive feedback’. In time this will be a useful tool, but in the early stages it may feel demotivating. Instead, in the early stages focus far more on progress made while still acknowledging room for further development. Once individuals experienced success and gained some confidence in the process and their ability… and trust you, constructive feedback can be included. It may also be helpful to use a hypothetical example of how to demonstrate empathy when someone is falling short of expectations. This may provide some clarity without having to impact potential fears until their confidence or trust improves.

Step 2.

Learn to use / deepen your empathy. Your brain has neuroplasticity, it changes based on you repeating actions and / or though patterns and eventually they become routine, easy to access or easy to do. To learn how to be more empathetic, use your body to help your mind.

  1. Listen with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what it would be like to have experienced what they are experiencing… or perhaps remember a time when you have felt like they feel… even if the circumstances are different.

    1. Listen more than you talk – listen attentively. Don’t think about what you will say.

    2. Ask open ended questions like “Tell me more”

    3. Notice how you are feeling – the first step in self-regulating. The second step is to ask “Is what I’m feeling helpful? How do I want to respond? Should I respond? What will be helpful? Will being quiet be what they really need now?

    4. Imagine how they might be feeling. Name the feelings. “They are angry”, “They are feeling they don’t matter” etc.

      1. Discuss how you would feel if you felt that. Would you be motivated or demotivated? What would you do in the short and long term

      2. Discuss the feelings they might be having. Would they be motivated or demotivated? How might they act in the short and long term.

  2. Afterwards, explore what you learned about yourself and about them.  Where did you empathize? How did it go?  What went well? What might you do a bit differently next time?

As An Individual… Helping Yourself Practice Empathy At Work

If you are trying to help yourself fine-tune your empathy, I have a few recommendations to help you become more empathetic.

  1. Do not try to change everything all at once. One of the first steps in this process is recognition of feelings and emotions within ourselves.

  2. Don’t start on something that is going to be most difficult for you to change.

  3. Do try to change something that is going to have meaningful, noticeable impact so you can feel a win, those around you can notice your effort and change and your efforts will make a difference.

Example: Perhaps start with offering greater recognition and being a mindful listener, but when it comes to having difficult conversations, bring support to those discussions. See growth as one step at a time and that eventually you will be prepared to handle difficult conversations on your own.

Conclusion

The more experiences we have feeling and learning about emotions – especially as youngsters, the more capable at managing our own emotions and being able to correctly recognize and relate to those emotions in other. As adults it can be a longer process but learning how to be more empathetic starts with recognizing the need and practicing empathy.

Let me leave you with one quick discussion of what not to do if you want to be more empathetic.

  1. Don’t invalidate other persons feelings.

  2. Don’t tell others how they should or should not feel (You shouldn’t think that, you should be grateful).

  3. Don’t one-up them, “I know how you feel” or “You think that is big, listen to what happened to me”.

Thank you for reading about how to practice empathy at work.

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Difficult Conversations, Crucial Conversations or Conflict Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.






The Importance of Empathy at Work

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Empathy, trust, being supportive and having perspective are four attributes great leaders have. As Simon Sinek said in his keynote at the Live2Lead event in 2016, “Great leadership is not about being in charge, it’s about taking care of the people in their charge. Great leaders go through a transition from being responsible for the job and become responsible for the people who are responsible for the job.” Sinek continues, “One problem is we are suffering from business theories left over from the 80’s, one being the concept of shareholder supremacy.” Shareholder supremacy is when leaders are focused on meeting the quarterly and annual revenue targets and not on building a caring, trusting, supportive environment where employees are proud, can do their best work and are loyal. As Sinek says, “Shareholder supremacy is a theory that is bad for people and bad for business.” When leaders only focus on shareholder value and their primary goal, they lose focus on “taking care of the people in their charge” says Sinek.

Today great leaders build a company that has the support of their employees and their customers as their primary goal by building an environment based on empathy, trust and shared perspective. Great leaders and great companies help each member of their team embrace purpose while also aligning business goals with individual goals. When employees business goals are supported, great things happen; creativity is high, productivity is high, solutions are responsive and appropriate, clients and suppliers are happy, brand reputation goes up, costs and expenses go down, turnover goes down.

What Exactly Is Empathy?

Empathy is being present with our self and with other people. A common description is that it is about being able to put yourself in the other persons shoes; to imagine what emotion they are experiencing and what it is like for them. Empathy is an acknowledgement (not agreement) of the other person and what they may be feeling / needing / believing. In times of creativity or disagreement empathetic people listen to what other people are saying, feeling and needing without judgement and without trying to influence what the other people are feeling, believing or needing.

Empathy is an interpersonal skill, a soft skill that is part of a person’s Emotional Intelligence (EI) or Emotional Quotient (EQ) (same thing, different name). In a professional setting, great leaders know that what will work for person A will be different than what will work for person B. Great leaders use skills like active listening and empathy to learn about each person in their charge so they can build trust and find that important balance between individual needs and company needs. In other words, a balance between empathy, trust and perspective. 

Many people incorrectly think empathy is about being nice and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is far more than that. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you—they might have different tastes.” Empathy is about discovering those tastes. It is about being patient, respectful, thoughtful and trustworthy.

There are three types of empathy 1) Cognitive Empathy (a desire to understand), 2) Emotional Empathy (a desire to feel), 3) Compassionate Empathy, (a desire to help). For now, let’s focus only on Emotional Empathy and Cognitive Empathy:

  • Emotional Empathy – unconscious empathy. Empathy that evokes behaviours we have learned (often as children), and that are natural / instinctive for us. They demonstrate as second nature to us and likely considered one of our personal values.

  • Cognitive Empathy – empathy we deliberately turn on and turn off when we feel the need.

To be high on the EI / IQ scale, we use both. To really be ‘ON’ and with someone we have to choose to add Cognitive empathy to our situation to further support emotional empathy.

Empathy should not be confused with Mindfulness, but they are related, like cousins. Mindfulness is about “Paying attention, on purpose, without judgement”, Jon Kabat-Zinn. In contrast, Dr. Leslie S Greenberg shares a formal definition of empathy (which he calls empathic attunement) in his latest book called Changing Emotion with Emotion. Greenburg writes, “Empathic attunement to affect involves a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of another’s inner world, knowing their rhythm, feeling and experiencing by metaphorically being in their skin.”

Why is Empathy at Work Important?

People are attracted to people and to places that respect them and make them feel respected and safe.

When we are treated poorly and we don’t feel others trust us, it is unlikely we will trust the other person or people; we will protect our vulnerability. Both in a personal and professional setting, if you don’t trust someone else, it is unlikely you would be able to say, “I screwed up, I made a mistake, I don’t agree, or I am worried.” Another way common way many of us protect our vulnerability is to hold back on our creativity and new ideas. Instead, everyone plays it safe – hides and protects themselves.

When we demonstrate empathy, the other person / persons recognize we are showing them attention which is a validating feeling that they matter. When we feel we matter and also feel safe and respected and trusted, we can continue to have a supportive, productive relationship and work together even when we disagree; this is where we will be willingly open to find a compromise.

On an individual level, being an empathetic person (demonstrating empathy) can also make you and me happier. In an experiment, Daniel Goleman, a leader in EI walked through New York for 50 blocks. As he passed people… stressed out New Yorkers… he offered a positive greeting, sending out love and kindness. As it says in his Washington post article the result of this experiment is that he felt joy, a calming, pleasing, intrinsic reward he gave himself.

Conclusion

Empathy plays a significant role in getting the best from the people in our charge. A helpful mindset is to think, ‘how do I help my people be their best’ vs ‘how do I get the most out of my people’. The difference is subtle, but it is important.

I have one suggestion as you may explore your own relationship with empathy. Have people you let your guard down with and who you can be yourself; be able to give and receive empathy. It is always important for us to be able to freely connect with our emotions and to practice connecting with others around us. The alternative is that we can fall out of practice, especially if we live and/or work in a space that has little to no empathy. And in those cases where empathy is limited, do your very best to not close yourself off or begin reflecting the same unhealthy communication and emotional intelligence as those around you.

Thank you for reading about the importance of empathy at work… and everywhere else.

You may also be interested in reading my post, ‘How to Practice Empathy at Work’.

Bruce

About Bruce and Bruce Mayhew Consulting.

Bruce is Corporate Trainer, Keynote Speaker and Executive Coach.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting specializes in customized Difficult Conversations, Crucial Conversations or Conflict Management Training, Email Etiquette Training, Leadership & New Leadership Development, Generational Differences, Time Management Training and other soft skills training solutions in Toronto and across Canada. Bruce is also an Executive Coach to a few select clients.

Bruce is an experienced motivational speaker in Toronto and has inspired audiences across Canada and within the USA and the UK. Bruce works hard to always make sure your training event, conference, retreat, or annual general meeting is a success.